Sometimes I Forget I Go to School in the South

But then I am reminded.

In the Spirit of the Day

All screen names, firm names, and undergraduate alma maters have been changed:

CavLaw09 (2:26:13 PM): Firm B did win the 2/3 coin flip but i did notice they have nobody from USC among their partners
CavLaw09 (2:26:28 PM): also their website is a lot cooler

A Word About Taking Fed Courts

Don't.

From the Mailbag

Where you been at?
-TJ

A common question. I shut down in late September in an early show of solidarity with the WGA strike. Only recently did I realize that I've never made money from web content, nor do I ever expect to, so the blog's back on.

Recommend a friend and earn money now! Do you know anybody that would benefit from one of our superb cost effective website packages? Tell us about them, if they order one of our website packages we will pay you £50 / $85!
-3rdPlanetMedia

Look, spam, we both know the dollar isn't worth nearly that much. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're trying to make me feel better instead of trying to screw me, but don't let it happen again.

Here is a fact: Girls like guys with a big schlong!
-Evangelene McKoy

Get me the people from Britannica on the phone!

I hear you're trying to get into Contracts II for next semester. Is this true? How can I help?
-Imaginary Contributor

As a matter of fact, that is the case. Drop me a line if you're planning on dropping it.

Always Clever

"It seems late in the day to notice to Erwin Chemerinsky is a prominent liberal," said John Jeffries, University of Virginia Law School dean. "That's been true for as long as I've known him. It's rather like discovering that Wilt Chamberlain was tall. How could you not know?"

I did another interview with my fly open today.

1Ls Say the Darnedest Things

Overheard in the last week:

• (Regarding Dandelion, Foxfield, etc.) "I'm not sure I have time for all these mandatory extra activities."
• "But isn't [law review] a lot of extra work?"
  "No."
  "Oh, ok."
• "I don't think they actually drink while they play softball."
• 1L #1: "I'm pretty sure this the right classroom. [Gestures at plaque reading "Wright Classroom."
  [Pause]
  1L #2: [Laughs hysterically.]
  

Adorable. Also, 1L #1, you may want to check out the offer over at TJ's. And don't ever let anyone tell you that puns aren't funny. Puns are always funny.

What Your Tie Is For

Interviews completed this week: 15
Interviews completed with my fly zipped up: 13

Reminder to Young Associates

I am aware that you are looking at my Facebook profile before you interview me.

You should probably know that I am looking at yours.

Caution

What the Supremes Are Doing on Their Summer Vacation

A tribute.

Roberts: Getting new unlisted phone number in attempt to reduce salary-related prank calls from J. Michael Luttig.

Breyer: Making charts, same as every other day.

Scalia: Working on costume for annual trip to Burning Man under the name A-Nino Acid.

Souter: Posting fake Harry Potter spoilers on the internet.

Alito: Crossing out "Scalito" from the front of all his notebooks, and "SAA ♥ AGS" from the inside covers.

Thomas: Playing "PC" next to Will Smith's "Mac" for a series of Apple ads set to air on BET this fall.

Stevens: Unlocking every bonus track in Guitar Hero II.

Ginsburg: Planning trip to Jamaica with Douglas Ginsburg before remembering that Martin is the one she's married to.

Kennedy: Casting the deciding vote in Beach v. Pool, In Re a Hamburger, a Hot Dog and Some Potato Salad, and Hooking Your iPod up to the Tape Deck v. Just Listening to the Radio Because We'll Be There in Twenty Minutes.

Partial Law Jeopardy

...and the final category is called Roll of "Toilet Paper," with "toilet paper" in quotation marks. Every correct answer in this category will contain the phrase "toilet paper." Clues will come in video form from Fletcher Reede, on location at the University of Virginia School of Law.

$200: This cylindrical item appears in the bathrooms of most American homes.
$400: Invented in the 6th century in China, this product is known as "jax roll" in Irish slang.
$600: Lack of this household good is why I definitely had to go to the store yesterday after work.
$800: This common paper good is the one thing I forgot to get among $50 worth of groceries.
$1000: I've been working at school since surprisingly early this morning for this reason.

Now That Two Semesters of Grades Are In

Looks like Option B (although maybe there's still a shot at the modeling gig).

Update 7/12/07: Hm. That's weird. Well I guess I still have this to look forward to.

Out of the Mouths of 3Ls

Comment on the method and quality of the instructor's teaching. Be specific about strengths, weaknesses, teaching techniques, congeniality of the learning environment and any suggestions for improvement.

I really didn't attend enough classes to make any sort of good comments. I was pretty bored though the first few weeks when I attended.
The guest speaker from Google was good, but had I known it was a guest speaker I would have skipped.

Also, when filling out course evaluations, why do so many people not think about how they're displayed? By this point you have to know that the responses get grouped by question, not by student. So stop putting "see above" or "like I said above" or "the aforementioned" because nobody knows what you're talking about. Just answer each question in the right box. There are certainly tougher things in law school.

Is It 1968 In Here or Is It Just You?

Sad, and a bit humbling: looking out the window on Thursday and watching a family digging through the Ivy Garden dumpsters for the perfectly good stuff that all the law and Darden students threw away when they moved out at the end of the year.

Odd, and a bit amusing: looking out the window on Friday and seeing a much larger group show up in three cars and do the same thing—led by a wiry older gentleman with long white hair who got out of his car, walked up to the first dumpster, and dove straight in.

Fun, and quite entertaining: looking out the window on Saturday and watching a repeat of Friday's event brought to an abrupt close by a profanity-laced altercation between the guy in the third dumpster and one of the (normally quite sweet) Ivy Gardens office ladies.

Just plain surreal: picking up a copy of the C-Ville today and realizing that my dumpster-diving friend is the tie-dye wearing, hammock-weaving hippie featured in the cover story about a local commune which gets some of its resources from "mainstream." Weave on, hippie dude, weave on. But don't go too far; I might need that toothbrush back.

Accomplishment

Things which I completed at roughly the same time:

• A turkey sandwich
• 1L year
• Every mission in Grand Theft Auto 2

Advice

Note to future 1Ls:
Most people will probably tell you that you should not completely ignore your Property reading all semester, to the point where several of the weekly reading-assignment e-mails remain unopened until the second week of exams. These people are probably correct.

Then again, doing thirteen weeks of reading in four days never killed anyone.

I do wish I had seen the one about coming to class on time a bit sooner than today, though.

Outlines in Song

Looks like this is going to be a semiannual feature (last semester's). Especially useful if you're limited to one page and you haven't bothered making anything to bring in. This semester, it's Con Law and it's a long one, with apologies to the Nails (original song can be heard here):

88 Lines about 44 Plaintiffs*

Marbury was a nominee,
judicial power did extend.
McCulloch just worked at the bank
which was a means to reach an end.
Martin claimed his rights to land,
SCOTUS proved it was supreme.
Gibbons got his ferry license,
Congress wiped out New York’s steam.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Carter Coal just sued itself,
court disagreed with FDR.
Jones & Laughlin wanted same,
but Roberts switched, so no cigar.
Darby’s wages were too low,
government said "pay your team."
Filburn grew himself some wheat,
still it flowed in commerce stream.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Lopez brought a gun to school,
court grew a spine and helped him out.
Then Morrison committed rape
and still no clause gave VAWA clout.
Raich just wanted to smoke dope,
CA said fine, the Feds said no.
But Flores sued City of Boerne,
and Section 5 was weakened so.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

South Dakota versus Dole,
drinking young? No highway cash.
FAIR took Rumsfeld into court,
in army/law school legal clash.
Garcia wanted overtime,
got labor rules applied to states.
New York took no toxic waste,
used Court to push it off its plate.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Printz (not Prince) could not be forced
to do Feds’ work on background checks.
Condon sued the DMV
for handing out IDs like sex.
Beazer couldn’t get a job
in NYC for doing meth.
Then Creamery of Clover Leaf
showed "rationale" is just hot breath.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Dred Scott thought that he was free,
but Taney told him no such luck.
Then Plessy tested railroad laws
‘twas J. Brown’s chance to be the schmuck.
Along came Gaines with goal of law school
(no one told him: not good plan).
He, then Sweatt, both got admission,
way to stick it to the Man.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)
Uh huh. You show 'em.

Brown asked twice for mixed-race schools,
the second time, it was the charm
But Bradley lost to Milliken,
now no bus runs from town to farm.
For Products made by Carolene,
be sure to look at Footnote Four.
But if your name is Korematsu,
expect no help in times of war.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Davis tried to join the force,
but couldn’t pass the reading test.
Adarand kept losing deals,
wants AA strict; court acquiesced.
Grutter, with companion Gratz,
split Wolverines along fine line.
And Craig v. Boren brought in sex,
for crappy beer, the men did whine.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Virginia lost on VMI,
because the diff’rences weren’t real.
While Michael M. was tried for rape
and they said no to his appeal.
Evans wanted gays protected,
Romer failed to block those rights.
Lochner’s roundly been rejected,
but now it rises to new heights.
Griswold looked for privacy
in emanations and penumb.
Roe reached to autonomy
now nominees must all play dumb.
Planned Parenthood went after Casey,
kept conservatives at bay.
Then Carhart won on D&E,
but D&X is DOA.
Hardwick lost in eighty-six,
just wanted right to sixty-nine.
Then Lawrence won for gay agenda,
Nino takes it as a sign.
Cruzan just like Terry Schiavo,
had her feeding tube removed.
Glucksberg helped with suicide,
but nine of nine disapproved.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Eighty-eight lines about forty-four plaintiffs.

*Some of these are criminal defendants. I know. Chill.

We're All Adults Here

This week's Constitutional Law challenge: stop snickering like an idiot when taking notes and writing "sexual autonomy protected under the DP clause."

Wicked Pissah

A short list of terms that I originally thought had 'R' sounds and were just being pronounced with a heavy Maine/Boston accent:

• Mt. Katahdin
• Loofah
• Salt 'N Pepa

You're Just Gonna Hate It

Sarah seems to think I could be a source of "intelligent commentary" on a topic like this news story, which is about a lawyer who jumped from an office on the 69th floor of the Empire State Building and died upon hitting a 30th floor platform, while his newly-severed leg fell to the street below.
I'm flattered, but a little confused, as I tend to be more a source of inappropriate jokes and bad puns.

That said, I couldn't pick just one, so choose your favorite!

• Poor guy just couldn't get a leg up on the competition.
  
• He only fell 39 stories, but he billed the full hour.
• Wow. I mean, I've heard depositions are boring, but geez.
• He wasn't trying to kill himself; he was just too busy to wait for the elevator.
• He's lucky—plenty of lawyers go their whole lives and never make an impact on anything.
• "Gray socks with brown shoes? Fashion suicide!"
• He fought the law, and the law threw him off the Empire State Building.
  

More Professor News

In my continuing efforts to direct readers to interesting appearances in the news by Virginia Law professors, I'd be remiss if I failed to point out this delightful little clip, in which Keith Olbermann names Prof. Turner the second-worst person in the world (of the day, of course). Keep watching until the end, when Olbermann calls him "a temp" for a State Department job he held in the mid-80s.

Things I Learned This Week

• From a series of last-name-announcing cold-calls, I learned the extent to which one of my classes this semester is a veritable UVa Law Bloggers' Summit.
• Between Thursday and Saturday, I learned that random alumni lawyers take first-year oral arguments far more seriously than judges from the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals take the Lile Moot Court finals.
• Desegregation: good for schools, good for country clubs, bad for laundry.
• Thanks to my poor reading comprehension skills, I learned that it is possible—although not advised—to put on a suit, shave, drive to school, write an outline, and otherwise prepare for oral arguments in forty-four minutes.
• From minute forty-six to minute forty-nine, I learned that following the above plan will get you screwed when the judges decide not to interrupt and instead let you recite all of the facts. (I wish I were joking on these last two.)
• Finally, in an ironic twist worthy of O. Henry, I learned that dental floss is the most difficult item in the world to get unstuck from between teeth.

Communication Skills

Dear 2L Guy Who Has Comments Turned Off But Links To Me And Will Probably Read This,

If you hate to sound like a dick, don't.

Love,
Another blogger who can't keep his opinions to himself.

Update 4/12/07: Sorry, that may have been a bit uncalled for. I just hate to see serious use of the word "prestigious."

Separated At Birth

I can't be the first person to notice this:

Return

Well it's been a while. Apparently, after spring break we had some sort of brief due. Then the Libel Show was all "Fletcher, come to rehearsals," "Fletcher, learn your lines," "Fletcher, come to the show," "Fletcher, for God's sakes put some pants on." But that's mostly over, so here I am again.

I don't have a lot to say just now, but if you missed the Law Weekly's latest excuse/apology, you should definitely check it out. Personally, I didn't pick up on any racial undertones when I saw the article last week. Then again, I've been jaded to that sort of thing ever since the time my undergrad dining hall served fried chicken and collard greens to celebrate Black History Month.

Gag Order

Under penalty of the Honor Code, I'm not allowed to discuss this weekend's Journal Tryout. All descriptive parts of speech are banned. Luckily, you are under no such provision. So here's your chance to produce your own story of my weekend:

On Friday, I left __(subject)__ class and went as __(adverb)__ as I could over to the Student __(pl. noun)__ Office, where they were handing out __(adjective)__ Journal Tryout packets. I __(past tense transitive verb)__ mine, and briefly considered __(present participle transitive verb)__ it into the __(noun)__. I eventually decided against it and bought a __(noun)__ instead, before taking it all home with me. After doing the editing section __(number)__ times, I wanted to either __(verb)__ or __(verb)__. I settled on the former, which was--to my surprise--actually quite __(adjective)__. Finally, I spent __(number)__ __(units of time)__ on the writing portion, which __(is/is not)__ complete. Tomorrow I plan to __(transitive verb)__ the __(adjective)__ __(noun)__ __(preposition)__ __(article)__ __(adjective)__ __(noun)__ until __(pronoun)__ __(present tense reflexive verb)__.

Okay. That should keep me safe. Hope you have the __(superlative)__ break possible!

Kids Just Eight Bucks!

Number of months the John Paul Jones Arena has been open: 6
Number of times the 30-second radio ad for Monster Jam tells us they're coming to Charlottesville "FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!!!!": 4

Estimated number of weeks before regular posting of longer items resumes: 2

Do You Have These in a Bigger Size?

On the bottom of p. 96 in the Bluebook, the example given for citation to an amicus brief is as follows:

Brief for Ringling Bros.-Barnum & Bailey Combined Shows, Inc. et al. as Amici Curiae supporting Respondents, Moseley v. V Secret Catalogue, Inc., 537 U.S. 418 (2003) (No. 01-01015).

I could look it up, but it's better in my head.

Also Remember to Empty the Lint Trap

Pairs of panties in my room this afternoon:	0
Pairs of panties in my laundry when I put it into the machine:	0
Pairs of panties in my laundry when I took it out of the machine:	0
Pairs of panties in my laundry when I put it into the dryer:	0
Pairs of panties in my laundry when I took it out of the dryer:	3

Predicted increase in site traffic once Google indexes this post: 15%

I Don't Get the Point of Student Government

A response to Student Council SBA President Adam Wolk:

Some governments are useful, such as the American government, which collects taxes and keeps the Canadians from invading. In the law school arena, the administration is kind of like a government, in that it collects tuition and keeps Darden students from eating in our cafeteria (by cleverly engineering it so that our cafeteria isn't as good as theirs). The best part is that you can anonymously harass the administration, by asking them to make ridiculous announcements like "someone left their keys in the door of their car," "someone left their trunk open and I wrote down the license plate but didn't bother to close it for them," and "someone rear-ended me in the parking lot and drove away; I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding and not the unfortunate result of spending this month's insurance money on Feb Club costumes instead."

But what I don't get are the governments run by students. From what I understand, they talk about the law school and anything "important" that occurs to them. From the news I have seen, what they do isn't all that interesting. Unless you ran for office in a desperate attempt to pad your resume, and even if you did, you just don't want to hear about what color tablecloths we should have at Barrister's. Of course, if you're reading this, you're probably Adam Wolk doing your daily self-Google the type of person who cares about the SBA, so please don't take offense to this. I don't wish to judge your choice of governing bodies, since I certainly wouldn't want you judging mine. I guess I just don't get it.

Getting Involved

Tryout processes reviewed:

Summer Job Interviews
Pros: Once you've answered the same questions eleven or so times, you eventually forget that your answers are complete nonsense and start to feel pretty good about yourself.
Cons: No one wants to hire you.

Unified Journal Tryout
Pros: No matter how many journals you're interested in working for, you only have to waste one weekend of your life.
Cons: Best case scenario: now you're on a journal. See below and remember that Pass/Fail : 1Ls :: Tenure : Law Professors.

Dillard Fellow Tryout
Pros: Can be completed over any three-day period this month, so you can save your weekend and blow off class instead.
Cons: Congratulations, you've earned the opportunity to read the papers of 35 1Ls who are fully aware that in the Pass/Fail world of Legal Research & Writing, a D is as good as an A.

Libel Show Auditions
Pros: Surprisingly low standards.
Cons: If I wanted to make an ass of myself while a roomful of people ignored me in favor of staring at their laptop screens, I would have been a professor.

Someone Got The Sensitivity Training

Old article title: Katrina's Silver Lining: UVA Law Gains a Professor
New article title: Tulane's Collins Joins Virginia Law

I'd say it's a good thing they made the change before it got cached somewhere, but they can't change page 29 in my copy of the UVA Lawyer.

Tie-Dye in the Justice Department

Law school gossip is really more TJ's thing, but I wanted to alert everyone that Virginia Law's own Professor (and erstwhile write-in candidate) John Harrison was mentioned by Ann Coulter as one of her "loads and loads of friends who are right-wingers and Deadheads" in this interview she did last June with Jambands.com (scroll down to near the end).

Relevant jokes are left as an exercise for the reader.

Lessons Learned From The Mock Interview Process

• If you can go the full half hour without breaking eye contact, they're required by law to offer you the job.
• When asked "Why do you want to work at this firm?" a good answer is "I'm impressed with the firm's excellence in my preferred practice area and simultaneous devotion to public interest." Some bad answers: "To be closer to you," "It has a funny name," and "I don't, why do you ask?"
• The interview isn't real; the need to wear pants is.
• While gender may be a social construct, the words sir and ma'am are not yet interchangeable.
• If your resume shows a GPA not reflected in your actual grades, don't check the box that says "Send my transcript to this employer."
• It's actually pronounced "noo' - klee - er"
• The "Experience" section of your resume isn't meant for your sexual history, no matter how impressive or extensive it may be. Put that under "Interests."

I've Become My Father

Dear Girl I Watched From My Window for Ten Minutes This Morning While I Ate Breakfast,

It's just snow. I know that around here, an inch gets all the local schools canceled, but you don't have to wipe every last bit of it off your Jetta before you leave. The inch-high pile on your back bumper would not have affected your safety. Neither would the small chunk on the hood that you couldn't reach without diving across the car. Also, starting the car and letting it warm up whi--HOLY CRAP the ice scraper is meant for glass only don't use it on the body are you nuts you'll scratch the paint!

Sincerely,
F. Reede

Before I Get My Grades Back

Potential Future A:
The law firm of Wachtell, Cravath, Sullivan, & Skadden, LLP is pleased to announce that Fletcher Reede has joined the firm as an associate, where he will work in the appellate practice group as well as the copyright litigation group. He is a summa cum laude graduate of the University of Virginia school of law, where he was Order of the Coif, served as Editor-in-Chief of the Virginia Law Review, and was described by Dean J. C. Jeffries, Jr. as "pretty damn smart." Since his graduation, he has served as a judicial law clerk to Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Richard Posner. Next year, Mr. Reede will serve as a clerk to the United States Supreme Court, splitting his duties between Justice Ginsburg and Justice Scalia, after which he will return to WCS&S as a partner in the litigation group. He will be expected to bill only 1500 hours per year, in recognition of the prestige his modeling career brings to the firm.

Potential Future B:
The City of Charlottesville Department of Public Works is pleased to announce that Fletcher Reede has joined the organization as an associate, where he will work in the waste management division as well as the pothole-filling group. He attended the University of Virginia School of Law, where he acquired several thousand dollars worth of debt and was described by Dean J. C. Jeffries, Jr. as "Who?" Since his departure, Mr. Reede has been in high demand by the Bank of America as well as Dominion Virginia Power. Next year, he hopes to eat at least two meals a day.

The Deal with Deals

They say you shouldn't go grocery shopping if you're hungry, because you'll buy things you don't need. I'd like to add that you shouldn't do any kind of shopping immediately after buying books for the semester. You walk out of Courts and Commerce, feeling good about yourself for having spent only $80 on 2 ¹/₂ lbs of paper full of someone else's highlights because it would have been $106 new, and suddenly your whole sense of value is off. Next thing you know, you're halfway to your car with a shopping cart full of lobster and you can't believe what a bargain those socks were at Brooks Brothers.

Other grocery-related thoughts:

• Whoever designed the newly-reopened Kroger at Barracks is insane. The refrigerated beer aisle is inexplicably also the pickles and mayonnaise aisle. Cheese and bread are distributed randomly throughout the store.
  
• Irrespective of the C&C effect, $2.06 for two pounds of sugar wafers is one hell of a good deal.
  
• I watched a guy in his late 30s stand in front the feminine hygiene products and actually hyperventilate into his shopping list for over almost a minute before picking up the biggest, pinkest package they had and moving on.
• The store brand slogan is "Try it, you'll like it." Look, Kroger, it didn't work for my mother; it's not going to work for you.
  
• I used the self-checkout machine. According to the receipt, my cashier's name was Ebony. I'd like to go on record right now in full support of racial diversity in self-checkout machines.
  

No, You're Thinking of Colombia

So I ended up spending about half of my break so far in Charlottesville and the other half in Washington, D.C. Here's how the home of The University stacks up against The District in some key categories.

Parking
Charlottesville: In its winter break, post-circus state, this side of town is mostly deserted, meaning I can park wherever I want, even in the D-2 or the phase III section of Ivy right near school. If only I had a reason to.
The District of Columbia: Ticket x 2. The first redeemed itself by making me laugh with "Assaults on parking enforcement personnel are fully prosecuted." The same message on the second just slowed me down.
Winner: Charlottesville, where the first ticket is free, meters are meant to be ignored, and every store has its own lot.

Traffic
C'ville: Induces stress, delays of thirty to forty minutes.
D.C.: Induces homicidal tendencies, delays of thirty to life.
Winner: C'ville, because you'll never make it anywhere on time if you keep stopping to kill somebody.

Public Transportation
C'ville: Free buses all over campus and halfway around town. Incredibly cheap buses and cabs that go everywhere else.
D.C.: Fairly pricey metro that goes almost exactly where you don't want to go; somewhat cheaper but still pricey buses for the rest.
Winner: D.C. I've never used the Charlottesville buses (see Parking, supra), but I have been cut off by them.

Weather
C'ville: Amazing.
D.C.: They're 100 miles apart.
Winner: Tie. Seriously, it's a difference of 0.87º latitude.

National Rankings
C'ville: recent rankings include #8 best place for jobseekers, #5 "Digital City", and #1 best place to live in the United States.
D.C.: #3 most dangerous big city in America
Winner: D.C. Sometimes you have to live a little.

Obsession with Neoclassical Architecture, as Measured by Total Number of Columns
C'ville: More plentiful than the stars in the sky.
D.C.: More numerous than the grains of sand on all the beaches in the world.
Winner: Somebody please build something else.