Sunday, April 29, 2007

Outlines in Song

Looks like this is going to be a semiannual feature (last semester's). Especially useful if you're limited to one page and you haven't bothered making anything to bring in. This semester, it's Con Law and it's a long one, with apologies to the Nails (original song can be heard here):

88 Lines about 44 Plaintiffs*

Marbury was a nominee,
judicial power did extend.
McCulloch just worked at the bank
which was a means to reach an end.
Martin claimed his rights to land,
SCOTUS proved it was supreme.
Gibbons got his ferry license,
Congress wiped out New York’s steam.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Carter Coal just sued itself,
court disagreed with FDR.
Jones & Laughlin wanted same,
but Roberts switched, so no cigar.
Darby’s wages were too low,
government said "pay your team."
Filburn grew himself some wheat,
still it flowed in commerce stream.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Lopez brought a gun to school,
court grew a spine and helped him out.
Then Morrison committed rape
and still no clause gave VAWA clout.
Raich just wanted to smoke dope,
CA said fine, the Feds said no.
But Flores sued City of Boerne,
and Section 5 was weakened so.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

South Dakota versus Dole,
drinking young? No highway cash.
FAIR took Rumsfeld into court,
in army/law school legal clash.
Garcia wanted overtime,
got labor rules applied to states.
New York took no toxic waste,
used Court to push it off its plate.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Printz (not Prince) could not be forced
to do Feds’ work on background checks.
Condon sued the DMV
for handing out IDs like sex.
Beazer couldn’t get a job
in NYC for doing meth.
Then Creamery of Clover Leaf
showed "rationale" is just hot breath.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Dred Scott thought that he was free,
but Taney told him no such luck.
Then Plessy tested railroad laws
‘twas J. Brown’s chance to be the schmuck.
Along came Gaines with goal of law school
(no one told him: not good plan).
He, then Sweatt, both got admission,
way to stick it to the Man.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)
Uh huh. You show 'em.

Brown asked twice for mixed-race schools,
the second time, it was the charm
But Bradley lost to Milliken,
now no bus runs from town to farm.
For Products made by Carolene,
be sure to look at Footnote Four.
But if your name is Korematsu,
expect no help in times of war.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Davis tried to join the force,
but couldn’t pass the reading test.
Adarand kept losing deals,
wants AA strict; court acquiesced.
Grutter, with companion Gratz,
split Wolverines along fine line.
And Craig v. Boren brought in sex,
for crappy beer, the men did whine.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Virginia lost on VMI,
because the diff’rences weren’t real.
While Michael M. was tried for rape
and they said no to his appeal.
Evans wanted gays protected,
Romer failed to block those rights.
Lochner’s roundly been rejected,
but now it rises to new heights.
Griswold looked for privacy
in emanations and penumb.
Roe reached to autonomy
now nominees must all play dumb.
Planned Parenthood went after Casey,
kept conservatives at bay.
Then Carhart won on D&E,
but D&X is DOA.
Hardwick lost in eighty-six,
just wanted right to sixty-nine.
Then Lawrence won for gay agenda,
Nino takes it as a sign.
Cruzan just like Terry Schiavo,
had her feeding tube removed.
Glucksberg helped with suicide,
but nine of nine disapproved.
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)
( mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Eighty-eight lines about forty-four plaintiffs.

*Some of these are criminal defendants. I know. Chill.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

We're All Adults Here

This week's Constitutional Law challenge: stop snickering like an idiot when taking notes and writing "sexual autonomy protected under the DP clause."

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Wicked Pissah

A short list of terms that I originally thought had 'R' sounds and were just being pronounced with a heavy Maine/Boston accent:

Saturday, April 14, 2007

You're Just Gonna Hate It

Sarah seems to think I could be a source of "intelligent commentary" on a topic like this news story, which is about a lawyer who jumped from an office on the 69th floor of the Empire State Building and died upon hitting a 30th floor platform, while his newly-severed leg fell to the street below.
I'm flattered, but a little confused, as I tend to be more a source of inappropriate jokes and bad puns.

That said, I couldn't pick just one, so choose your favorite!

  • Poor guy just couldn't get a leg up on the competition.
  • He only fell 39 stories, but he billed the full hour.
  • Wow. I mean, I've heard depositions are boring, but geez.
  • He wasn't trying to kill himself; he was just too busy to wait for the elevator.
  • He's lucky—plenty of lawyers go their whole lives and never make an impact on anything.
  • "Gray socks with brown shoes? Fashion suicide!"
  • He fought the law, and the law threw him off the Empire State Building.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

More Professor News

In my continuing efforts to direct readers to interesting appearances in the news by Virginia Law professors, I'd be remiss if I failed to point out this delightful little clip, in which Keith Olbermann names Prof. Turner the second-worst person in the world (of the day, of course). Keep watching until the end, when Olbermann calls him "a temp" for a State Department job he held in the mid-80s.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Things I Learned This Week

  • From a series of last-name-announcing cold-calls, I learned the extent to which one of my classes this semester is a veritable UVa Law Bloggers' Summit.
  • Between Thursday and Saturday, I learned that random alumni lawyers take first-year oral arguments far more seriously than judges from the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals take the Lile Moot Court finals.
  • Desegregation: good for schools, good for country clubs, bad for laundry.
  • Thanks to my poor reading comprehension skills, I learned that it is possible—although not advised—to put on a suit, shave, drive to school, write an outline, and otherwise prepare for oral arguments in forty-four minutes.
  • From minute forty-six to minute forty-nine, I learned that following the above plan will get you screwed when the judges decide not to interrupt and instead let you recite all of the facts. (I wish I were joking on these last two.)
  • Finally, in an ironic twist worthy of O. Henry, I learned that dental floss is the most difficult item in the world to get unstuck from between teeth.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Communication Skills

Dear 2L Guy Who Has Comments Turned Off But Links To Me And Will Probably Read This,

If you hate to sound like a dick, don't.

Another blogger who can't keep his opinions to himself.

Update 4/12/07: Sorry, that may have been a bit uncalled for. I just hate to see serious use of the word "prestigious."