Friday, September 29, 2006

Your Secret Society Has an E-Mail Address

The University of Virginia has a lot of secret societies. Some seem to take themselves very seriously, while others not so much. (Witness the guy at a party last night loudly telling strangers about his society and the position he held in it, putting air quotes around the name of the position.)

One easy way to not be taken seriously is, apparently, to be the 21 Society. Today, a beige plastic box appeared in the law school courtyard. On it are the mailbox numbers 21 and a laminated piece of paper, which states,

Friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life.
--Thomas Jefferson
The items in this box are for the free use of anyone who wishes to enjoy this space in the company of others. All items are for use in this Quad only, and each person who borrows from this box is on His or Her Honor to return the items immediately after use.

We Remain, |||| |||| |||| |||| |
The 21 Society

This box and the items inside are maintained by The 21 Society. Report any missing or damaged items to
The box contains two frisbees, a soccer ball, and a football, which you are on your capital-H Honor to return. The box itself is padlocked to a lamppost with a heavy chain.

Monday, September 25, 2006

My Humps, My Humps

My deadly viral mumps.

What is going on with this school? Two weeks ago, it was meningitis, now this. Did I move to the South in America, or did I move to South America? Keep an eye on the news in October, because I'm starting a pool on which highly infectious third-world disease crops up here next. My money's on Ebola.
Winner gets a free trip to Atlanta, courtesy of the federal government.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Headline Spotted on Google News

China's official news agency seems to be a bit confused between Neil Armstrong's "one giant leap for mankind" and Mao Zedong's "Great Leap Forward."
I guess it's an easy mistake, although as far as I know Armstrong wasn't responsible for the famine deaths of 20 to 40 million people.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

How to Get Cold-Called, Part II

Advanced Method:

  1. Show up to class at the last second before it starts, so you're setting up your laptop while the professor has already begun talking.
  2. Spend several minutes trying to figure out why your wireless connection is flaking out.
  3. While restarting computer to finish fixing the wireless, notice dust buildup around the touchpad's mouse buttons.
  4. Reach down to slide the tag on your laptop power cable up high enough so you can use it to get the dust out.
  5. Get the dust out.
Around this point, the professor should say something along the lines of, "So once the court says this, Fletcher, what would you want to do if you were the plaintiff's lawyer, based on what I just said?"

Having an answer is optional.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I can't stands no more

Attention hack reporters: We know Popeye eats spinach. Mentioning Popeye in your articles about spinach tainted with E. coli is not clever. You are not clever. Stop it.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Novelist

Questions I had for John Grisham on Thursday after he spoke about The Innocent Man :

  • Why did Mitch get away with cheating on his wife?
  • What was the deal with The Brethren?
  • Do you know Rachel Weisz?
  • Did anyone at Doubleday read The Brethren before agreeing to publish it?
  • Do they start writing the scripts after you finish the books, or before?
  • Speaking of scripts, please defend Christmas with the Kranks. We'll wait.
  • Are you aware of the existence of The Brethren, a nomadic cult also known as "The Garbage Eaters?" If so, was that your inspiration?
  • I understand you've given this law school a lot of money. I've recently begun a similar practice, and before I continue I'm wondering if you've found it to be worthwhile.
  • Did you know it's okay for authors to skip a year?
  • Were you heavily medicated for the majority of 2000?
  • No, seriously. You wrote a book about three judges who orchestrate a mail fraud extortion scheme from prison until they accidentally catch the secretly gay senator who happens to be running a rigged campaign for President under the guidance of a puppet-master director of the CIA who is concerned about a fringe element of the Russian military in which they all get away with it at the end and no one called you out on it?
  • Have you had any substantial opposition on the new book from death penalty proponents?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Cars fell on Virginia

This state has an obscene number of custom license plates. I don't mean vanity plates (although it has far more than its fair share of those); I mean actual types of plates. As in, over 180 of them.
Some highlights, if you don't feel like going through the whole list:

Monday, September 11, 2006

Ma nishtana ha-lawschool ha-zeh

Why is this law school different from all other law schools?

It's not the cherry wood lockers or the 51% alumni giving rate. It's not even the top law school newspaper in the country (really?).

No, it's one thing and one thing only that makes this place feel so right: two-ply toilet paper. You won't find that in New Haven.

Monday, September 04, 2006

The Non-Transitive Property of Crocodile Hunting

Rock, Paper, Scissors is archaic. I'm settling my next dispute with a best-of-three match of Crocodile, Steve Irwin, Stingray. The hand motions are easy, it makes more sense than "paper beats rock," and best of all, it's topical.
Remember, kids, crocodile beats stingray!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

How to Get Cold-Called

A simple, three-step guide:

  1. Begin doodling in your notes. Be careful to use simple, repetitive pen motions that look nothing like writing, even from a distance.
  2. Wait for the person in front of you to ask a question.
  3. Continue doodling while the professor answers the question.
For best results, maintain just the right balance between showing weakness and knowing what you're talking about. Properly executed, this can keep the professor's attention for up to twenty minutes.