Saturday, October 21, 2006

Impossible is Something

The story of Aleksey Vayner (né Garber) reminds me of my roommate from freshman year of college. I will call him "Mike," because (a) it's a common name and (b) his name is Mike.

Mike was a compulsive liar. Over the course of my first semester with him, I wrote down most of the ridiculous things he told me or my friends. The list was quite long, so I'll reproduce only the highlights here.

Mike is very athletic. He benches 310, and is a 5th degree black belt. When he was 15, he placed second in a national competition. (The sort of competition that would get him mentioned somewhere on the Internet, one would imagine.) Because his body is a lethal weapon, he is registered with the state and has an indicator to that effect on his license. (No he doesn't.) He also used to swim. When he was 14, he swam the 50-meter freestyle in 22 seconds. (This is especially impressive, given the world record.) He achieved these accomplishments in spite of the anorexia caused by his verbally abusive swim coach, wherein his body fat fell to 2%. Mike joined his fraternity's intramural volleyball team after they found out that he was All-State volleyball in high school. (Mike's high school shows no record of having a boy's volleyball team.)

During breaks, Mike worked as an assistant pro at a golf course, allowing him to meet a number of people. One is in the mafia, and offered to whack anybody Mike needs whacked. Mike once had to write a 500 page paper. He waited until the last minute, of course, and wrote the last 200 of them in around 6 hours. He also speaks Japanese and German fluently. He (or his 6'10" uncle, depending on which time he told me) drives a red Ferrari F50.

Obviously, such a life makes one irresistible to the ladies. Mike lost his virginity at age 13. At 18, he had never . . . helped himself because whenever he "had a need," he always had a willing partner. In addition to having had sex in several locations (including a movie theater and two libraries), Mike also owns a pair of underwear in which he has never failed to get laid.
I just looked him up, and he is apparently now employed at a Big Five Four accounting firm, no doubt ready and willing to contribute to whatever upcoming scandal/indictment turns that illustrious group into the Big Three.


Woog said...

Didn't Mike join a greek organization that rhymes with his name?

Jen said...

Mike, Mike, the effin' Pike!
Actually, I remember that being one of the few true things he ever said he did. Ironically, his nose was of Pinocchio-esque proportions.