How to Get Cold-Called, Part II

Advanced Method:

1. Show up to class at the last second before it starts, so you're setting up your laptop while the professor has already begun talking.
2. Spend several minutes trying to figure out why your wireless connection is flaking out.
3. While restarting computer to finish fixing the wireless, notice dust buildup around the touchpad's mouse buttons.
4. Reach down to slide the tag on your laptop power cable up high enough so you can use it to get the dust out.
5. Get the dust out.

Around this point, the professor should say something along the lines of, "So once the court says this, Fletcher, what would you want to do if you were the plaintiff's lawyer, based on what I just said?"


Having an answer is optional.

I can't stands no more

Attention hack reporters: We know Popeye eats spinach. Mentioning Popeye in your articles about spinach tainted with E. coli is not clever. You are not clever. Stop it.

The Novelist

Questions I had for John Grisham on Thursday after he spoke about The Innocent Man :

• Why did Mitch get away with cheating on his wife?
• What was the deal with The Brethren?
• Do you know Rachel Weisz?
• Did anyone at Doubleday read The Brethren before agreeing to publish it?
• Do they start writing the scripts after you finish the books, or before?
• Speaking of scripts, please defend Christmas with the Kranks. We'll wait.
• Are you aware of the existence of The Brethren, a nomadic cult also known as "The Garbage Eaters?" If so, was that your inspiration?
• I understand you've given this law school a lot of money. I've recently begun a similar practice, and before I continue I'm wondering if you've found it to be worthwhile.
• Did you know it's okay for authors to skip a year?
• Were you heavily medicated for the majority of 2000?
• No, seriously. You wrote a book about three judges who orchestrate a mail fraud extortion scheme from prison until they accidentally catch the secretly gay senator who happens to be running a rigged campaign for President under the guidance of a puppet-master director of the CIA who is concerned about a fringe element of the Russian military in which they all get away with it at the end and no one called you out on it?
• Have you had any substantial opposition on the new book from death penalty proponents?

Cars fell on Virginia

This state has an obscene number of custom license plates. I don't mean vanity plates (although it has far more than its fair share of those); I mean actual types of plates. As in, over 180 of them.
Some highlights, if you don't feel like going through the whole list:

• Bowler
• Tiger Swallowtail - State Insect
• Credit Unions
• Ducks Unlimited
• Family & Children Trust Fund (yes, four different plates)
• Fight Terrorism (also available for your motorcycle)
• Friends of Tibet
• Horse Enthusiast (the one that prompted me to look these up)
• Internet C@pital (pronounced "catpital," this one is my personal favorite; it's straight out of 1998 and has to be seen to be believed)
• Parrotheads (seriously)
• Unlocking Autism
• Virginia Society of CPAs (no word on whether this one comes with free "Ask me about my personality" bumper sticker)
• Love-a-Bull (technically this one's still in development, but I can't leave it off the list)
  

Ma nishtana ha-lawschool ha-zeh

Why is this law school different from all other law schools?

It's not the cherry wood lockers or the 51% alumni giving rate. It's not even the top law school newspaper in the country (really?).

No, it's one thing and one thing only that makes this place feel so right: two-ply toilet paper. You won't find that in New Haven.

The Non-Transitive Property of Crocodile Hunting

Rock, Paper, Scissors is archaic. I'm settling my next dispute with a best-of-three match of Crocodile, Steve Irwin, Stingray. The hand motions are easy, it makes more sense than "paper beats rock," and best of all, it's topical.
Remember, kids, crocodile beats stingray!

How to Get Cold-Called

A simple, three-step guide:

1. Begin doodling in your notes. Be careful to use simple, repetitive pen motions that look nothing like writing, even from a distance.
2. Wait for the person in front of you to ask a question.
3. Continue doodling while the professor answers the question.

For best results, maintain just the right balance between showing weakness and knowing what you're talking about. Properly executed, this can keep the professor's attention for up to twenty minutes.

Jeopardy

Tonight's "Tournament of Champions" episode of Jeopardy had the following categories during Single Jeopardy:

• Star Trek, Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings
• Action Figures
• Dinner for One
• In Need of a Date
• Still living with "Mom" and "Dad"
• You Have No Life

Ordinarily, these might have been kind of amusing, but I feel like they probably struck a little close to home for these three contestants.

Week 1

Things that have happened in the first week of law school:

1. I missed my section's library orientation because I was reading for contracts / playing N.
2. During a peer advisor's don't-feel-bad-if-you-lose speech before section elections, I cheerfully pointed out that "four of these [five] people running are going to lose."
3. My bike was stolen the day before I planned to go out and buy a better lock for it.
4. I missed my research group's first meeting in the library because I missed when we planned on having it. On the bright side, I would have been of little use, having missed the orientation.
   
5. I successfully paid so little attention in contracts that I didn't even get the relevant jokes being IMed to me.
6. I had a full 250GB hard drive die with absolutely no warning.
7. I waited a very long time for a sandwich.
   

I also, however, got a card for a free sandwich because that one took so long. So all in all, law school is pretty sweet.

As a side note, Texas finally sent me a survey asking why I chose not to accept admission, the first conclusive proof that they are actually aware that I will not be attending. Now if only they hadn't already sold my contact information to every provider of student services in the greater Austin area.

Cops in a Theater

Sign you're in a pretty safe town: when the manager of the four-screen theater you're watching Snakes on a Plane in calls the police to handle rowdy patrons, they send five or more officers.

That's correct, at the 7:30PM showing this evening at the Regal Seminole, the manager stopped the movie right as Kenan "Good Burger" Thompson took the stick so he could yell at the audience for helping to make a mockery of the movie even Samuel L. Jackson isn't taking seriously. I guess he was worried about a riot, because he brought five cops with him to ask a few people to leave.

So we sat and watched ads for about 10 minutes as the manager and the one guy who felt like speaking up bickered back and forth, then stared each other down until the guy and all his friends got up and left.

At that point the manager reminded the rest of audience that "All you college kids need to remember there are other people in here and they want to see the movie too." Then he left, feeling quite proud of himself and apparently pretending that the six people who were removed had been responsible for a full theater's worth of clapping, cheering, and yelling.

The rest of the movie finished without incident, although there was a marked change in the atmosphere after that. Until, of course, the final scene. No amount of police presence could take away the power of that scene. The Tank Man would have remained in place to witness that scene in all its glory.