Partial Law

Here's One

2008-02-20T00:47:00.002-05:00

Events Email - 02.20.2008
. . .
Already Announced Law School Events
. . .
The Law Weekly Needs Reviewers!

Okay: It's not very good.

Rejected Feb Club Themes

2008-01-31T14:12:00.000-05:00

Feb Club Eve 1894
Three Easy Nieces
Haitian Paradise
Super Jewsday
Anything But Those (in which you can wear what you want, but everyone will criticize it)
Revenge of the Turds
Snowpants or Low pants.
Kegs and Dregs

Actual 2008 Feb Club themes are available from TJ.

Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads

2008-01-25T16:10:00.000-05:00

A short list of things which are coming faster than fall semester grades:

The presidential election
Global-warming-induced flooding of the Eastern seaboard
The next presidential election
Jesus
Duke Nukem Forever
A new Ice Age
Zoraster
The Revolution
Your Mom

Sometimes I Forget I Go to School in the South

2007-12-04T18:27:00.000-05:00

But then I am reminded.

In the Spirit of the Day

2007-11-30T13:16:00.000-05:00

All screen names, firm names, and undergraduate alma maters have been changed:

CavLaw09 (2:26:13 PM): Firm B did win the 2/3 coin flip but i did notice they have nobody from USC among their partners
CavLaw09 (2:26:28 PM): also their website is a lot cooler

A Word About Taking Fed Courts

2007-11-16T13:34:00.001-05:00

Don't.

From the Mailbag

2007-11-15T17:15:00.000-05:00

Where you been at?
-TJ

A common question. I shut down in late September in an early show of solidarity with the WGA strike. Only recently did I realize that I've never made money from web content, nor do I ever expect to, so the blog's back on.

Recommend a friend and earn money now! Do you know anybody that would benefit from one of our superb cost effective website packages? Tell us about them, if they order one of our website packages we will pay you £50 / $85!
-3rdPlanetMedia

Look, spam, we both know the dollar isn't worth nearly that much. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're trying to make me feel better instead of trying to screw me, but don't let it happen again.

Here is a fact: Girls like guys with a big schlong!
-Evangelene McKoy

Get me the people from Britannica on the phone!

I hear you're trying to get into Contracts II for next semester. Is this true? How can I help?
-Imaginary Contributor

As a matter of fact, that is the case. Drop me a line if you're planning on dropping it.

Always Clever

2007-09-20T16:28:00.000-04:00

"It seems late in the day to notice to Erwin Chemerinsky is a prominent liberal," said John Jeffries, University of Virginia Law School dean. "That's been true for as long as I've known him. It's rather like discovering that Wilt Chamberlain was tall. How could you not know?"

I did another interview with my fly open today.

1Ls Say the Darnedest Things

2007-08-30T00:16:00.000-04:00

Overheard in the last week:

(Regarding Dandelion, Foxfield, etc.) "I'm not sure I have time for all these mandatory extra activities."
"But isn't [law review] a lot of extra work?"
"No."
"Oh, ok."
"I don't think they actually drink while they play softball."
1L #1: "I'm pretty sure this the right classroom. [Gestures at plaque reading "Wright Classroom."
[Pause]
1L #2: [Laughs hysterically.]

Adorable. Also, 1L #1, you may want to check out the offer over at TJ's. And don't ever let anyone tell you that puns aren't funny. Puns are always funny.

What Your Tie Is For

2007-08-24T17:54:00.000-04:00

Interviews completed this week: 15
Interviews completed with my fly zipped up: 13

Reminder to Young Associates

2007-08-22T07:53:00.001-04:00

I am aware that you are looking at my Facebook profile before you interview me.

You should probably know that I am looking at yours.

Caution

2007-07-17T16:52:00.001-04:00

What the Supremes Are Doing on Their Summer Vacation

2007-07-15T11:17:00.000-04:00

A tribute.

Roberts: Getting new unlisted phone number in attempt to reduce salary-related prank calls from J. Michael Luttig.

Breyer: Making charts, same as every other day.

Scalia: Working on costume for annual trip to Burning Man under the name A-Nino Acid.

Souter: Posting fake Harry Potter spoilers on the internet.

Alito: Crossing out "Scalito" from the front of all his notebooks, and "SAA ♥ AGS" from the inside covers.

Thomas: Playing "PC" next to Will Smith's "Mac" for a series of Apple ads set to air on BET this fall.

Stevens: Unlocking every bonus track in Guitar Hero II.

Ginsburg: Planning trip to Jamaica with Douglas Ginsburg before remembering that Martin is the one she's married to.

Kennedy: Casting the deciding vote in Beach v. Pool, In Re a Hamburger, a Hot Dog and Some Potato Salad, and Hooking Your iPod up to the Tape Deck v. Just Listening to the Radio Because We'll Be There in Twenty Minutes.

Partial Law Jeopardy

2007-07-13T11:25:00.000-04:00

...and the final category is called Roll of "Toilet Paper," with "toilet paper" in quotation marks. Every correct answer in this category will contain the phrase "toilet paper." Clues will come in video form from Fletcher Reede, on location at the University of Virginia School of Law.

$200: This cylindrical item appears in the bathrooms of most American homes.
$400: Invented in the 6th century in China, this product is known as "jax roll" in Irish slang.
$600: Lack of this household good is why I definitely had to go to the store yesterday after work.
$800: This common paper good is the one thing I forgot to get among $50 worth of groceries.
$1000: I've been working at school since surprisingly early this morning for this reason.

Now That Two Semesters of Grades Are In

2007-06-28T19:01:00.000-04:00

Looks like Option B (although maybe there's still a shot at the modeling gig).

Update 7/12/07: Hm. That's weird. Well I guess I still have this to look forward to.

Out of the Mouths of 3Ls

2007-06-20T23:55:00.000-04:00

Comment on the method and quality of the instructor's teaching. Be specific about strengths, weaknesses, teaching techniques, congeniality of the learning environment and any suggestions for improvement.

I really didn't attend enough classes to make any sort of good comments. I was pretty bored though the first few weeks when I attended.
The guest speaker from Google was good, but had I known it was a guest speaker I would have skipped.

Also, when filling out course evaluations, why do so many people not think about how they're displayed? By this point you have to know that the responses get grouped by question, not by student. So stop putting "see above" or "like I said above" or "the aforementioned" because nobody knows what you're talking about. Just answer each question in the right box. There are certainly tougher things in law school.

Is It 1968 In Here or Is It Just You?

2007-05-22T20:59:00.000-04:00

Sad, and a bit humbling: looking out the window on Thursday and watching a family digging through the Ivy Garden dumpsters for the perfectly good stuff that all the law and Darden students threw away when they moved out at the end of the year.

Odd, and a bit amusing: looking out the window on Friday and seeing a much larger group show up in three cars and do the same thing—led by a wiry older gentleman with long white hair who got out of his car, walked up to the first dumpster, and dove straight in.

Fun, and quite entertaining: looking out the window on Saturday and watching a repeat of Friday's event brought to an abrupt close by a profanity-laced altercation between the guy in the third dumpster and one of the (normally quite sweet) Ivy Gardens office ladies.

Just plain surreal: picking up a copy of the C-Ville today and realizing that my dumpster-diving friend is the tie-dye wearing, hammock-weaving hippie featured in the cover story about a local commune which gets some of its resources from "mainstream." Weave on, hippie dude, weave on. But don't go too far; I might need that toothbrush back.

Accomplishment

2007-05-10T19:40:00.000-04:00

Things which I completed at roughly the same time:

A turkey sandwich
1L year
Every mission in Grand Theft Auto 2

Advice

2007-05-07T20:23:00.000-04:00

Note to future 1Ls:
Most people will probably tell you that you should not completely ignore your Property reading all semester, to the point where several of the weekly reading-assignment e-mails remain unopened until the second week of exams. These people are probably correct.

Then again, doing thirteen weeks of reading in four days never killed anyone.

I do wish I had seen the one about coming to class on time a bit sooner than today, though.

Outlines in Song

2007-04-29T00:27:00.000-04:00

Looks like this is going to be a semiannual feature (last semester's). Especially useful if you're limited to one page and you haven't bothered making anything to bring in. This semester, it's Con Law and it's a long one, with apologies to the Nails (original song can be heard here):

88 Lines about 44 Plaintiffs*

Marbury was a nominee,
judicial power did extend.
McCulloch just worked at the bank
which was a means to reach an end.
Martin claimed his rights to land,
SCOTUS proved it was supreme.
Gibbons got his ferry license,
Congress wiped out New York’s steam.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Carter Coal just sued itself,
court disagreed with FDR.
Jones & Laughlin wanted same,
but Roberts switched, so no cigar.
Darby’s wages were too low,
government said "pay your team."
Filburn grew himself some wheat,
still it flowed in commerce stream.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Lopez brought a gun to school,
court grew a spine and helped him out.
Then Morrison committed rape
and still no clause gave VAWA clout.
Raich just wanted to smoke dope,
CA said fine, the Feds said no.
But Flores sued City of Boerne,
and Section 5 was weakened so.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

South Dakota versus Dole,
drinking young? No highway cash.
FAIR took Rumsfeld into court,
in army/law school legal clash.
Garcia wanted overtime,
got labor rules applied to states.
New York took no toxic waste,
used Court to push it off its plate.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Printz (not Prince) could not be forced
to do Feds’ work on background checks.
Condon sued the DMV
for handing out IDs like sex.
Beazer couldn’t get a job
in NYC for doing meth.
Then Creamery of Clover Leaf
showed "rationale" is just hot breath.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Dred Scott thought that he was free,
but Taney told him no such luck.
Then Plessy tested railroad laws
‘twas J. Brown’s chance to be the schmuck.
Along came Gaines with goal of law school
(no one told him: not good plan).
He, then Sweatt, both got admission,
way to stick it to the Man.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)
Uh huh. You show 'em.

Brown asked twice for mixed-race schools,
the second time, it was the charm
But Bradley lost to Milliken,
now no bus runs from town to farm.
For Products made by Carolene,
be sure to look at Footnote Four.
But if your name is Korematsu,
expect no help in times of war.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Davis tried to join the force,
but couldn’t pass the reading test.
Adarand kept losing deals,
wants AA strict; court acquiesced.
Grutter, with companion Gratz,
split Wolverines along fine line.
And Craig v. Boren brought in sex,
for crappy beer, the men did whine.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Virginia lost on VMI,
because the diff’rences weren’t real.
While Michael M. was tried for rape
and they said no to his appeal.
Evans wanted gays protected,
Romer failed to block those rights.
Lochner’s roundly been rejected,
but now it rises to new heights.
Griswold looked for privacy
in emanations and penumb.
Roe reached to autonomy
now nominees must all play dumb.
Planned Parenthood went after Casey,
kept conservatives at bay.
Then Carhart won on D&E,
but D&X is DOA.
Hardwick lost in eighty-six,
just wanted right to sixty-nine.
Then Lawrence won for gay agenda,
Nino takes it as a sign.
Cruzan just like Terry Schiavo,
had her feeding tube removed.
Glucksberg helped with suicide,
but nine of nine disapproved.
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)
(Mmmmm...mm mm mm mm mmmm mmmm...)

Eighty-eight lines about forty-four plaintiffs.

*Some of these are criminal defendants. I know. Chill.

We're All Adults Here

2007-04-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

This week's Constitutional Law challenge: stop snickering like an idiot when taking notes and writing "sexual autonomy protected under the DP clause."

Wicked Pissah

2007-04-17T23:31:00.000-04:00

A short list of terms that I originally thought had 'R' sounds and were just being pronounced with a heavy Maine/Boston accent:

You're Just Gonna Hate It

2007-04-14T20:40:00.000-04:00

Sarah seems to think I could be a source of "intelligent commentary" on a topic like this news story, which is about a lawyer who jumped from an office on the 69th floor of the Empire State Building and died upon hitting a 30th floor platform, while his newly-severed leg fell to the street below.
I'm flattered, but a little confused, as I tend to be more a source of inappropriate jokes and bad puns.

That said, I couldn't pick just one, so choose your favorite!

Poor guy just couldn't get a leg up on the competition.
He only fell 39 stories, but he billed the full hour.
Wow. I mean, I've heard depositions are boring, but geez.
He wasn't trying to kill himself; he was just too busy to wait for the elevator.
He's lucky—plenty of lawyers go their whole lives and never make an impact on anything.
"Gray socks with brown shoes? Fashion suicide!"
He fought the law, and the law threw him off the Empire State Building.

More Professor News

2007-04-10T20:22:00.000-04:00

In my continuing efforts to direct readers to interesting appearances in the news by Virginia Law professors, I'd be remiss if I failed to point out this delightful little clip, in which Keith Olbermann names Prof. Turner the second-worst person in the world (of the day, of course). Keep watching until the end, when Olbermann calls him "a temp" for a State Department job he held in the mid-80s.

Things I Learned This Week

2007-04-09T21:52:00.000-04:00

From a series of last-name-announcing cold-calls, I learned the extent to which one of my classes this semester is a veritable UVa Law Bloggers' Summit.
Between Thursday and Saturday, I learned that random alumni lawyers take first-year oral arguments far more seriously than judges from the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals take the Lile Moot Court finals.
Desegregation: good for schools, good for country clubs, bad for laundry.
Thanks to my poor reading comprehension skills, I learned that it is possible—although not advised—to put on a suit, shave, drive to school, write an outline, and otherwise prepare for oral arguments in forty-four minutes.
From minute forty-six to minute forty-nine, I learned that following the above plan will get you screwed when the judges decide not to interrupt and instead let you recite all of the facts. (I wish I were joking on these last two.)
Finally, in an ironic twist worthy of O. Henry, I learned that dental floss is the most difficult item in the world to get unstuck from between teeth.

Communication Skills

2007-04-07T20:07:00.000-04:00

Dear 2L Guy Who Has Comments Turned Off But Links To Me And Will Probably Read This,

If you hate to sound like a dick, don't.

Love,
Another blogger who can't keep his opinions to himself.

Update 4/12/07: Sorry, that may have been a bit uncalled for. I just hate to see serious use of the word "prestigious."

Separated At Birth

2007-03-28T21:16:00.000-04:00

I can't be the first person to notice this:

Return

2007-03-23T18:35:00.000-04:00

Well it's been a while. Apparently, after spring break we had some sort of brief due. Then the Libel Show was all "Fletcher, come to rehearsals," "Fletcher, learn your lines," "Fletcher, come to the show," "Fletcher, for God's sakes put some pants on." But that's mostly over, so here I am again.

I don't have a lot to say just now, but if you missed the Law Weekly's latest excuse/apology, you should definitely check it out. Personally, I didn't pick up on any racial undertones when I saw the article last week. Then again, I've been jaded to that sort of thing ever since the time my undergrad dining hall served fried chicken and collard greens to celebrate Black History Month.

Gag Order

2007-03-04T19:42:00.000-05:00

Under penalty of the Honor Code, I'm not allowed to discuss this weekend's Journal Tryout. All descriptive parts of speech are banned. Luckily, you are under no such provision. So here's your chance to produce your own story of my weekend:

On Friday, I left __(subject)__ class and went as __(adverb)__ as I could over to the Student __(pl. noun)__ Office, where they were handing out __(adjective)__ Journal Tryout packets. I __(past tense transitive verb)__ mine, and briefly considered __(present participle transitive verb)__ it into the __(noun)__. I eventually decided against it and bought a __(noun)__ instead, before taking it all home with me. After doing the editing section __(number)__ times, I wanted to either __(verb)__ or __(verb)__. I settled on the former, which was--to my surprise--actually quite __(adjective)__. Finally, I spent __(number)__ __(units of time)__ on the writing portion, which __(is/is not)__ complete. Tomorrow I plan to __(transitive verb)__ the __(adjective)__ __(noun)__ __(preposition)__ __(article)__ __(adjective)__ __(noun)__ until __(pronoun)__ __(present tense reflexive verb)__.

Okay. That should keep me safe. Hope you have the __(superlative)__ break possible!

Kids Just Eight Bucks!

2007-02-26T14:18:00.000-05:00

Number of months the John Paul Jones Arena has been open: 6
Number of times the 30-second radio ad for Monster Jam tells us they're coming to Charlottesville "FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!!!!": 4

Estimated number of weeks before regular posting of longer items resumes: 2

Do You Have These in a Bigger Size?

2007-02-21T19:51:00.000-05:00

On the bottom of p. 96 in the Bluebook, the example given for citation to an amicus brief is as follows:

Brief for Ringling Bros.-Barnum & Bailey Combined Shows, Inc. et al. as Amici Curiae supporting Respondents, Moseley v. V Secret Catalogue, Inc., 537 U.S. 418 (2003) (No. 01-01015).

I could look it up, but it's better in my head.

Also Remember to Empty the Lint Trap

2007-02-15T22:46:00.000-05:00

Pairs of panties in my room this afternoon:	0
Pairs of panties in my laundry when I put it into the machine:	0
Pairs of panties in my laundry when I took it out of the machine:	0
Pairs of panties in my laundry when I put it into the dryer:	0
Pairs of panties in my laundry when I took it out of the dryer:	3

Predicted increase in site traffic once Google indexes this post: 15%

I Don't Get the Point of Student Government

2007-02-11T01:28:00.000-05:00

A response to ~~Student Council~~ SBA President Adam Wolk:

Some governments are useful, such as the American government, which collects taxes and keeps the Canadians from invading. In the law school arena, the administration is kind of like a government, in that it collects tuition and keeps Darden students from eating in our cafeteria (by cleverly engineering it so that our cafeteria isn't as good as theirs). The best part is that you can anonymously harass the administration, by asking them to make ridiculous announcements like "someone left their keys in the door of their car," "someone left their trunk open and I wrote down the license plate but didn't bother to close it for them," and "someone rear-ended me in the parking lot and drove away; I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding and not the unfortunate result of spending this month's insurance money on Feb Club costumes instead."

But what I don't get are the governments run by students. From what I understand, they talk about the law school and anything "important" that occurs to them. From the news I have seen, what they do isn't all that interesting. Unless you ran for office in a desperate attempt to pad your resume, and even if you did, you just don't want to hear about what color tablecloths we should have at Barrister's. Of course, if you're reading this, you're probably ~~Adam Wolk doing your daily self-Google~~ the type of person who cares about the SBA, so please don't take offense to this. I don't wish to judge your choice of governing bodies, since I certainly wouldn't want you judging mine. I guess I just don't get it.

Getting Involved

2007-02-05T15:00:00.000-05:00

Tryout processes reviewed:

Summer Job Interviews
Pros: Once you've answered the same questions eleven or so times, you eventually forget that your answers are complete nonsense and start to feel pretty good about yourself.
Cons: No one wants to hire you.

Unified Journal Tryout
Pros: No matter how many journals you're interested in working for, you only have to waste one weekend of your life.
Cons: Best case scenario: now you're on a journal. See below and remember that Pass/Fail : 1Ls :: Tenure : Law Professors.

Dillard Fellow Tryout
Pros: Can be completed over any three-day period this month, so you can save your weekend and blow off class instead.
Cons: Congratulations, you've earned the opportunity to read the papers of 35 1Ls who are fully aware that in the Pass/Fail world of Legal Research & Writing, a D is as good as an A.

Libel Show Auditions
Pros: Surprisingly low standards.
Cons: If I wanted to make an ass of myself while a roomful of people ignored me in favor of staring at their laptop screens, I would have been a professor.

Someone Got The Sensitivity Training

2007-01-31T22:07:00.001-05:00

Old article title: Katrina's Silver Lining: UVA Law Gains a Professor
New article title: Tulane's Collins Joins Virginia Law

I'd say it's a good thing they made the change before it got cached somewhere, but they can't change page 29 in my copy of the UVA Lawyer.

Tie-Dye in the Justice Department

2007-01-30T16:32:00.001-05:00

Law school gossip is really more TJ's thing, but I wanted to alert everyone that Virginia Law's own Professor (and erstwhile write-in candidate) John Harrison was mentioned by Ann Coulter as one of her "loads and loads of friends who are right-wingers and Deadheads" in this interview she did last June with Jambands.com (scroll down to near the end).

Relevant jokes are left as an exercise for the reader.

Lessons Learned From The Mock Interview Process

2007-01-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

If you can go the full half hour without breaking eye contact, they're required by law to offer you the job.
When asked "Why do you want to work at this firm?" a good answer is "I'm impressed with the firm's excellence in my preferred practice area and simultaneous devotion to public interest." Some bad answers: "To be closer to you," "It has a funny name," and "I don't, why do you ask?"
The interview isn't real; the need to wear pants is.
While gender may be a social construct, the words sir and ma'am are not yet interchangeable.
If your resume shows a GPA not reflected in your actual grades, don't check the box that says "Send my transcript to this employer."
It's actually pronounced "noo' - klee - er"
The "Experience" section of your resume isn't meant for your sexual history, no matter how impressive or extensive it may be. Put that under "Interests."

I've Become My Father

2007-01-22T18:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Girl I Watched From My Window for Ten Minutes This Morning While I Ate Breakfast,

It's just snow. I know that around here, an inch gets all the local schools canceled, but you don't have to wipe every last bit of it off your Jetta before you leave. The inch-high pile on your back bumper would not have affected your safety. Neither would the small chunk on the hood that you couldn't reach without diving across the car. Also, starting the car and letting it warm up whi--HOLY CRAP the ice scraper is meant for glass only don't use it on the body are you nuts you'll scratch the paint!

Sincerely,
F. Reede

Before I Get My Grades Back

2007-01-19T14:35:00.000-05:00

Potential Future A:
The law firm of Wachtell, Cravath, Sullivan, & Skadden, LLP is pleased to announce that Fletcher Reede has joined the firm as an associate, where he will work in the appellate practice group as well as the copyright litigation group. He is a summa cum laude graduate of the University of Virginia school of law, where he was Order of the Coif, served as Editor-in-Chief of the Virginia Law Review, and was described by Dean J. C. Jeffries, Jr. as "pretty damn smart." Since his graduation, he has served as a judicial law clerk to Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Richard Posner. Next year, Mr. Reede will serve as a clerk to the United States Supreme Court, splitting his duties between Justice Ginsburg and Justice Scalia, after which he will return to WCS&S as a partner in the litigation group. He will be expected to bill only 1500 hours per year, in recognition of the prestige his modeling career brings to the firm.

Potential Future B:
The City of Charlottesville Department of Public Works is pleased to announce that Fletcher Reede has joined the organization as an associate, where he will work in the waste management division as well as the pothole-filling group. He attended the University of Virginia School of Law, where he acquired several thousand dollars worth of debt and was described by Dean J. C. Jeffries, Jr. as "Who?" Since his departure, Mr. Reede has been in high demand by the Bank of America as well as Dominion Virginia Power. Next year, he hopes to eat at least two meals a day.

The Deal with Deals

2007-01-09T21:33:00.000-05:00

They say you shouldn't go grocery shopping if you're hungry, because you'll buy things you don't need. I'd like to add that you shouldn't do any kind of shopping immediately after buying books for the semester. You walk out of Courts and Commerce, feeling good about yourself for having spent only $80 on 2 ¹/₂ lbs of paper full of someone else's highlights because it would have been $106 new, and suddenly your whole sense of value is off. Next thing you know, you're halfway to your car with a shopping cart full of lobster and you can't believe what a bargain those socks were at Brooks Brothers.

Other grocery-related thoughts:

Whoever designed the newly-reopened Kroger at Barracks is insane. The refrigerated beer aisle is inexplicably also the pickles and mayonnaise aisle. Cheese and bread are distributed randomly throughout the store.
Irrespective of the C&C effect, $2.06 for two pounds of sugar wafers is one hell of a good deal.
I watched a guy in his late 30s stand in front the feminine hygiene products and actually hyperventilate into his shopping list for over almost a minute before picking up the biggest, pinkest package they had and moving on.
The store brand slogan is "Try it, you'll like it." Look, Kroger, it didn't work for my mother; it's not going to work for you.
I used the self-checkout machine. According to the receipt, my cashier's name was Ebony. I'd like to go on record right now in full support of racial diversity in self-checkout machines.

No, You're Thinking of Colombia

2007-01-07T17:09:00.000-05:00

So I ended up spending about half of my break so far in Charlottesville and the other half in Washington, D.C. Here's how the home of The University stacks up against The District in some key categories.

Parking
Charlottesville: In its winter break, post-circus state, this side of town is mostly deserted, meaning I can park wherever I want, even in the D-2 or the phase III section of Ivy right near school. If only I had a reason to.
The District of Columbia: Ticket x 2. The first redeemed itself by making me laugh with "Assaults on parking enforcement personnel are fully prosecuted." The same message on the second just slowed me down.
Winner: Charlottesville, where the first ticket is free, meters are meant to be ignored, and every store has its own lot.

Traffic
C'ville: Induces stress, delays of thirty to forty minutes.
D.C.: Induces homicidal tendencies, delays of thirty to life.
Winner: C'ville, because you'll never make it anywhere on time if you keep stopping to kill somebody.

Public Transportation
C'ville: Free buses all over campus and halfway around town. Incredibly cheap buses and cabs that go everywhere else.
D.C.: Fairly pricey metro that goes almost exactly where you don't want to go; somewhat cheaper but still pricey buses for the rest.
Winner: D.C. I've never used the Charlottesville buses (see Parking, supra), but I have been cut off by them.

Weather
C'ville: Amazing.
D.C.: They're 100 miles apart.
Winner: Tie. Seriously, it's a difference of 0.87º latitude.

National Rankings
C'ville: recent rankings include #8 best place for jobseekers, #5 "Digital City", and #1 best place to live in the United States.
D.C.: #3 most dangerous big city in America
Winner: D.C. Sometimes you have to live a little.

Obsession with Neoclassical Architecture, as Measured by Total Number of Columns
C'ville: More plentiful than the stars in the sky.
D.C.: More numerous than the grains of sand on all the beaches in the world.
Winner: Somebody please build something else.

The Baby Jesus Wants to Rock (Rock!)

2006-12-26T01:24:00.000-05:00

Thoughts upon hearing "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" on the radio this morning:

Damn it, I've been trying to avoid Christmas songs.
But this shower radio is so hard to tune, it's not really worth changing channels.
Oh well, it's Christmas day and I've done a pretty good job so far, I guess there's not much I can do.
Hey, this is actually rocking out pretty hard.
You know, I never noticed how much this song sounds like "We're Not Gonna Take It."

Thoughts upon getting out of the shower, looking up the two songs to compare them, and discovering that I had been listening to this:

. . .
Twisted Sister got back together to record a Christmas album?
. . .
. . .
Awesome.
Good to see Dee Snider still looks exactly like Sarah Jessica Parker.
With a little more make-up, he'd be a dead-ringer for Moulin Rouge-era Christina Aguilera.
Hey J.J. French, I'm not sure grinding up on the guy's wife is really in the Christmas spirit.
Although he seems to be taking it pretty well.
Yeah, let him play the drums, it'll make him feel better.
Oh good, a happy ending. You see, chubby newlywed guy, it is a wonderful life.

Now all we need is for Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth to put aside their differences (again) and crank out a 2-disc Hanukkah box set in time for next year.

Efficiency

2006-12-21T18:37:00.000-05:00

Well, exams are over, and I would just like to commend some of my fellow students on their incredible ability to go from typing an exam to fall-down drunk in mere minutes. Your rate of absorption is truly impressive.

Who Understands Those Lawyers?

2006-12-20T15:04:00.000-05:00

Torts exam tomorrow? No time to make an outline? Got ya covered:
(with apologies to Sir Mix-A-Lot)

I like big torts and I can not lie.
You other lawyers can't deny,
That when a barge goes down in the middle of the bay
And the bargee is away,
You get stung, now your case is just junk.
'Cause you know when that boat was sunk,
Deep in the sea she's docked in,
Hand's gonna write a new doctrine.
Oh Byrne-ey, when the barrel hit'cha,
They wrote res ipsa.
MacDougald versus Perry:
Spare tire fell and (was so scary).
Ooh, Vosburg, thin-skin,
You say you got kicked in the shins?
Well, sue me sue me,
'Cause now you're an amp-u-tee.
So no more dancin',
But the court's advancin',
That intent, went,
With the cause of the event.
I'm tired of state Supremes,
Sayin' duty is the thing.
Take the average plaintiff and ask him that,
You want the judgment fat.
So, lawyers! (Yeah!) Lawyers! (Yeah!)
Has your client got a tort? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to take it! (Take it!) Take it! (Take it!)
Take that case to court!
Cases on track!

(Now you face an affirmative duty)
Cases on track!
(Now you face an affirmative duty)

Cases on track!
Yeah, buddy ... when it comes to Galindo, duty ain't got nothin' to do with my protection. B is less than PL? Ha ha, only if it's my tree.

So Jenner rolls a Chevy, licensed by the state D-MV,
But the Chevy ain't s'posed to crash in the shop of Hammontree.
Judge Mildred Lillie won't, blame, him;
A seizure moved, his, limbs.
You can make cross-claims you cook up,
But we won't lose that suit.
Some judges wanna play that "hard" role,
And tell you that the case ain't gold.
So they demur it, N.O.V it,
And I pull up quick to appeal it.
So your argument fell flat,
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your case is strong and your name's McPherson,
And your wheel did worsen.
To the Buick guys in the factories:
You made it, this thing!
Just like Escola, glass in Cola
I'm hurt and want payola.
Some knucklehead tried to diss,
But his liability's strict.
Clients came but he chose to hurt 'em
And I pull up quick to alert 'em
So plaintiffs, if the case is sound,
And you want to make sure fault is found,
Dial 1-800-WINWIN1
And speak them nasty thoughts.
Cases on track!

(Mouse over case details for citations)

Playing the Odds

2006-12-15T23:44:00.001-05:00

I recently became familiar with Credit Card Roulette, in which a group goes out to eat, then everyone drops a credit card in and the server picks one at random to pay for the whole bill. Everyone else gets a free lunch/dinner/alcoholic binge. Now I'm not much of a gambling man, but I like to make things a little interesting from time to time, and UVa Law's grading system is ripe for manipulation.

For those not in the know, the only rule is that all classes must have an average grade between 3.27 and 3.33. In practice, this means that the grades tend to fall mostly at and around B+, with a few outliers on each end, like a standard bell curve. This distribution is not required, however, because the rule is based on the mean, not the median, of the grades.
This key fact allows for Exam Roulette.

Exam Roulette would be played as follows: Instead of distributing the grades evenly about the mean, professors would commit to giving the bottom 10% of each class a C. This would allow them to score the other 90% of exams at or above the mean. So in your standard 30-person single-section class, 3 people would each get a C, 15 would get a B+, and 12 would get an A-. The mean would come in at exactly 3.33. The best part? As long as every professor participates, even the people who lost once per semester would have at least a B- average, assuming four graded classes.

It's probably not too late to e-mail your professors. 90% of law students already think they're above average, so why not make it true?

Georgetown Law Acceptance Letters

2006-12-14T22:05:00.000-05:00

I do not attend the Georgetown University Law Center. For the main reason why I'm happy about that decision, see here. Thanks to that post, however, I have a special insight into the GULC admission committee's behavior this year, because in the last week, I've had visitors from such varied Google search strings as:

georgetown law acceptance letters
GULC envelope at end of admissions cycle
law school envelope georgetown early called
admission letter georgetown law why so long

I like that last one. You can almost smell the desperation right through the internet. Look 0Ls, this is a stressful time for everybody. Take a break from worrying about law school. You're bound to get in somewhere; then you should probably worry. For now, focus on your undergrad exams. Play in the sunshine. If you live in a godforsaken part of the country like the one I left, play in the snow. Better yet, try to be more like some of my other recent visitors, and search things like:

follow the finger
honda AND crave AND legs
instructions on how to make a fake leg for free

You'll be much happier. Plus, you might find out how to make a fake leg for free. And you can't put a price on that. Because it's free.

Virginia Does Not Need a Myspace Account

2006-12-12T15:57:00.000-05:00

"We are certainly going to put public safety ahead of these civil liberties concerns."

There are too many ridiculous things wrong with this proposal and I don't have time to list them, so I link without much comment.

I will say, however, kudos to Laura Ahearn of Parents for Megan's Law for pointing out the obvious technical flaw in the program, then immediately making a nonsensical alternative suggestion.

Give Yourself a Hand

2006-12-06T23:33:00.000-05:00

Apparently, when a professor finishes the last class of the semester here, we applaud. (Unless, of course, it's Professor CivPro and he keeps taking questions for 45 minutes after the end of class time until all but about 12 out of 60 people have trickled out the back.) I guess this is common practice at most law schools and has already been discussed at length by a better man than I, so I won't get into it here.

But I'm told that all students at Mr. Jefferson's University clap for their instructors, whether that instructor is "the Mark McGwire of political analysts" or a lowly TA leading an eight-person discussion section of Statistics 110. This is not considered weird.

But I've thought about it, and while it most certainly is weird, it's harmless enough. At least the professors are there to appreciate it. It's certainly better than when the teachers in elementary school showed movies because they didn't feel like teaching the day before a vacation. As soon as the credits hit, most of the kids would start clapping away, as if the late director of The Cat From Outer Space was going to crawl out of his grave, drag himself to the school, and pop out from behind the rolling TV/VCR stand to take a bow before hitting us with an encore.

The Economics of Highlighting

2006-12-06T13:48:00.000-05:00

The bookstore should implement leveled pricing. It would work like this:
You buy a book new for $100. When you sell it back, they look through it for highlighting/markings. If there are none, you get $50, and they sell it for $65. If there are, you can't sell the book back until you get your grades, and they pay you in accordance with your grade in the class. An A gets you $60, an A- gets you $55, and so on. The store then sells these books for prices commensurate with the grades their highlighting earned.

This system would serve several purposes. The bookstore could make more money on used books by targeting different parts of the market and further exploiting law students' insecurities. Students would have one more incentive to do well in class, and one more way of slipping their grades into casual conversation. ("I'll buy lunch today, I've got this $60 in my pocket from my Torts book.").

Most important, I wouldn't have bought my Crim book if I had known in advance that the last user had highlighted entirely the wrong things throughout the reading. Memo to previous owner: highlighting entire pages is a waste of time, ink, and my retinas. Also, you may have noticed that the headings in chapters were already in bold. You didn't need to highlight them to make them stand out. Finally, and if you take only one thing away from this message let it be this, stop writing things like "I♥EB" in the margins in pink highlighter.

Delaware Needs a Myspace Account

2006-11-30T16:24:00.000-05:00

In September after flying home and back over the course of a weekend: "Wow, with all this time spent in airports and waiting on the tarmac, not to mention getting delayed by Air Force One, we could have driven and it would have been cheaper without being much longer."

In November after spending 19.4% of the 125-hour Thanksgiving break in my car: "Oh. I guess not, then."

Although, to be fair, it would have been fine if Delaware hadn't picked last week to self-destructively seek attention. Someone should really talk to that state. Closing three out of four lanes of traffic immediately after a toll booth on I-95 the day before Thanksgiving so four guys can do some spot-welding at 3am is pretty much the state DOT equivalent of cutting yourself "just to feel alive."

What Did One Dillard Fellow Say to the Other?

2006-11-19T17:35:00.000-05:00

(overheard in Scott Commons between two Dillards on Major Memo Day and paraphrased badly, telephone-style.)

D1: I just want to tell them, "I know exactly how long you spent on this. Don't insult me."
D2: Yeah, it's too bad they know we don't decide whether they pass or not.
D1: I wish we did.

Consider them told, Dillard #1. Consider them told.

Recruitment

2006-11-16T15:15:00.001-05:00

A small sample of statements made by Professor Crim during class in the presence of visiting undergrads and their parents:

"Ah, see I didn't know that's how you made methamphetamines. I just know when I'm experiencing really good methamphetamines."
"You know wives never listen to their husbands."
"When I got back from Amsterdam, if I had anything left over from my trip, I wouldn't have made it through Dulles."
"So, let's say they catch the Charlottesville serial rapist. Not the local police, they're never going to catch that guy."*

*Note to prospective students: To the best of my knowledge, said rapist has not appeared since 2003, which is a long time in rapist-years. He has probably moved on. Charlottesville is still very safe. Please do not make the male-to-female ratio worse than it already is.

What is Embarrassment?

2006-11-13T20:57:00.000-05:00

Note to RSS subscribers and cvilleblogs.com readers: This post relies on embedded and linked pictures. Blogspot blocks viewing images based on referrers, so you won't see the pictures unless you click to view the post itself.

I know it's a cliché to make fun of Celebrity Jeopardy, but if the Jeopardy writers themselves aren't letting that stop them, then neither will I.

Neil Patrick Harris got more of the Broadway musical questions right than Tony winner Bebe Neuwirth, yet it was somehow still news when he came out of the closet a few weeks ago. Third "celebrity" contestant: some guy who plays a coma patient on Desperate Housewives.

Second, this was an actual category:

The $1000 response was "What is a jab?"

In spite of the producers' fears that he might not be able to remember his own name, Doogie Howser actually did quite well. Coma guy? Not so much.

Revised Slogan

2006-11-08T15:39:00.000-05:00

Virginia is for ~~Lovers.~~ Heterosexuals in Religiously-Sanctioned Long Term Monogamous Relationships.

I'm sure it will be just as popular with the tourism board.

Now be honest: Which one of you cast a write-in vote for Professor Harrison?

You Know What To Do

2006-11-07T11:52:00.000-05:00

It's the first Tuesday after the first Monday of the eleventh month of an even-numbered year that's not evenly divisible by four. That's right, it's the midterms. So if you haven't checked a box, filled in a circle, flipped a lever, or touched a screen, get out there and do so before it's too late.

Because America without democracy is like law school without wireless internet access: scary and out of your control.

Background Check

2006-11-03T17:16:00.000-05:00

Everyone knows that any potential employer even remotely interested in your resume will Google your name before they call. If they didn't, I probably wouldn't maintain this ridiculous quasi-anonymity thing I've got going on. But lawyers don't use Google, because you can't bill Google time to a client. Lawyers use Lexis-Nexis/Westlaw (hereafter "Lexlaw"). So before you other 1Ls send out your NALP-approved December 1st mass-mailing, you should Lexlaw yourself to see what they're going to find.

Unlike some of my fellow students, I've stayed out of the news for the most part, so I'm pretty safe in this area. I do, however, look forward to some interviewer mentioning that I won 3rd place in a fire prevention poster contest in 1995 or that I was once flatteringly described in print as "not a buffoon." If only Lexlaw carried pictures, so they could see why.

Sidenote: Thumbs up to the Law Weekly for the headline, "SBA President Adam Wolk tries to be funny." It's a full news article in just one sentence.

Possibly the Least-Enforced Law of All Time

2006-10-31T22:32:00.000-05:00

From my absentee ballot instructions (emphasis in original):

If you have returned your absentee ballot, but find that you are able to vote in person, the law requires that you do so. You must go to the office of the Municipal Clerk no later than 10:00 a.m. on Election, Primary or Referendum Day before going to your polling place to vote in person.

"What's that honey? You don't think you're going to have the baby today? Okay, well I'd better head down to the municipal clerk's office to cancel my absentee ballot and let them know that I can stand in line all morning at the middle school instead. No, I can't just rely on the one I sent in. You remember when Henderson up the street got caught mowing his lawn before the polls closed a few years back. Nice fellow, that Henderson . . . I should put in a good word for him with the parole board. Anyway, I'll be back in a few hours, you need me to pick up anything?"

More Powerful than Locomotion

2006-10-25T14:00:00.000-04:00

Some awesome ideas for Halloween costumes if your kid is in a wheelchair: Biker, Bulldozer, 1934 Bugatti Type 46.

Some pretty good ideas for Halloween costumes if your kid is in a wheelchair: Drummer w/drumset, Chef w/oven, King w/throne.

Kind of awkward ideas for Halloween costumes if your kid is in a wheelchair: Guy Losing His Leg in a Shark Attack, anything where the instructions say, "[t]o make the legs, stuff sweat pants with fiberfill."

Really, really, really awkward idea for a Halloween costume if your kid is in a wheelchair: Superman.

I cannot stress this last point enough: Superman + Wheelchair = Bad Taste. Always. The only way to make this any worse would be to add fake legs in the back at an awkward angle so it looks like Superman's spine has been severed.

[Goes to look at that picture again.]

Oh.

Law School Makes My E-Mail Weird

2006-10-24T18:03:00.000-04:00

A sample of contextual ads that I've gotten in Gmail in the last week:

"Kegspediter System - A controlled process for the return of empty kegs to the brewery."
All kinds of first aid and emergency equipment. These are only funny once I realized they were triggered by the hypothetical fact pattern in my Torts midterm.
"Crave Frat Brotherhood? - crave.honda.com - We feel your crave. Other people do too. Check out more craves."
"Insanity Testing - Search for Testing Resources and Info. Find What You Want Now."
"Daddy by 2 chix - cool daddy-to-be tees for the man behind the belly!"
Several dozen sites advertising admissions information and pre-written personal statements.
"Miss Your Grandkids? - New laws guarantee grandparents rights in every state - learn more!"
"Free Insanity - Get a Free Insanity. Offer Expires Today!"

Impossible is Something

2006-10-21T19:45:00.000-04:00

The story of Aleksey Vayner (né Garber) reminds me of my roommate from freshman year of college. I will call him "Mike," because (a) it's a common name and (b) his name is Mike.

Mike was a compulsive liar. Over the course of my first semester with him, I wrote down most of the ridiculous things he told me or my friends. The list was quite long, so I'll reproduce only the highlights here.

Mike is very athletic. He benches 310, and is a 5th degree black belt. When he was 15, he placed second in a national competition. (The sort of competition that would get him mentioned somewhere on the Internet, one would imagine.) Because his body is a lethal weapon, he is registered with the state and has an indicator to that effect on his license. (No he doesn't.) He also used to swim. When he was 14, he swam the 50-meter freestyle in 22 seconds. (This is especially impressive, given the world record.) He achieved these accomplishments in spite of the anorexia caused by his verbally abusive swim coach, wherein his body fat fell to 2%. Mike joined his fraternity's intramural volleyball team after they found out that he was All-State volleyball in high school. (Mike's high school shows no record of having a boy's volleyball team.)

During breaks, Mike worked as an assistant pro at a golf course, allowing him to meet a number of people. One is in the mafia, and offered to whack anybody Mike needs whacked. Mike once had to write a 500 page paper. He waited until the last minute, of course, and wrote the last 200 of them in around 6 hours. He also speaks Japanese and German fluently. He (or his 6'10" uncle, depending on which time he told me) drives a red Ferrari F50.

Obviously, such a life makes one irresistible to the ladies. Mike lost his virginity at age 13. At 18, he had never . . . helped himself because whenever he "had a need," he always had a willing partner. In addition to having had sex in several locations (including a movie theater and two libraries), Mike also owns a pair of underwear in which he has never failed to get laid.

I just looked him up, and he is apparently now employed at a Big ~~Five~~ Four accounting firm, no doubt ready and willing to contribute to whatever upcoming scandal/indictment turns that illustrious group into the Big Three.

I Was Tense, I Was Nervous

2006-10-20T18:53:00.001-04:00

This is probably not going to be a favorite memory for player #3:

After 60 questions, poor Sharon managed to buzz in just enough to get one $800 question wrong and one $400 question right. And we all know what happens when Round III rolls along:

But in the scheme of things she'll be okay, because our bowtied friend went on to lose to this guy anyway.

Meaningful Dialogue

2006-10-19T12:20:00.000-04:00

Student: But what if...[proceeds into long and quite unlikely hypothetical involving banana peels, a set of stairs and some poor fellow who just won't look where he's going.] It's not a very good analogy, but--

Professor: No. It's not.

These Guys Are Neat Guys

2006-10-14T12:30:00.000-04:00

There's a lot of talk about how law school is just like high school, and in a lot of ways that's true. Still, I say it's an exaggerated stereotype, so here are some positive ways in which UVa Law differs from my high school:

Students allowed to leave school for lunch.
No football player making out with his cheerleader girlfriend on my locker between every class.
None of my high school teachers drove one of these.
Speaking of lockers, cherry wood > cherry red.
There's no band, the jocks have passed their glory days, and the goths sold out long ago, so pretty much everyone is part of the same "Nerd/Prep" clique.
Students allowed to cut across the courtyard.
No Less smoking in the bathrooms.
The Mormons have kids and the skanky girls don't.
Much less animosity between rival schools (that is, no one has driven down here and spray-painted "Penn Law" on the side of the building).
My girlfriend who lives 100 miles away actually exists.

Loki Works for the TSA

2006-10-11T15:07:00.000-04:00

This article about a geologist's troubles with airport security has gotten a bit of buzz lately and I finally got around to reading the whole thing today, so I was quite amused to discover that the geologist in question is none other than one Robert M. Thorson, Ph.D. I had the opportunity to listen to Professor Thorson speak a few years ago about why a liberal arts education is important. By this I mean ol' Thor wasted a half hour of the audience's time telling us what it's like to write a weekly column and how clever some of his titles have been. Titles like "Canst Thou Hear Me Now?" and "Kerry Ignored the Frog Vote."

I'm actually surprised Thor's story didn't have him saying something like "Don't you know who I am? My column appears every Thursday on page A15 of the newspaper with the 54^th-highest circulation in the country! Sometimes I get letters about it! I'm clever, damn it!"

I'm not going to get into how easy it would have been to go back and check the bag. Bradley International Airport is one of the smallest I've ever been to, and the baggage check is a mineral specimen's throw away from the security checkpoint.

I once had my own encounter with a carry-on bag, a stone, and excitable airport security officers, although with a few differences of circumstance. First, I was flying out of Milan, Italy. Second, the stone in question was actually a piece of Pompeii that I should not have been allowed to take out of the country. Third, the security officer apparently thought the x-ray image of the stone looked a lot like the x-ray image of a luger pistol. Fourth, I was eight years old. Fifth, and perhaps most important, I kept my eight-year-old American mouth firmly shut and they let me keep the damn rock.

Things I Learned This Week

2006-10-06T11:50:00.000-04:00

From my sectionmates, I learned it's possible to freak out over an hour-long, ungraded midterm.
From the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, I learned that most people still don't understand what "Every Breath You Take" by the Police is about.
From Federal Circuit Judge Randall R. Rader, I learned that his Irish Foxhound will eat just about anything you throw at it.
From my Legal Research and Writing Professor, I learned you should never plan to spend your breaks any place where you can't access Westlaw.
From Dahlia Lithwick, I learned that she's a writer instead of a speaker because she can't put four words together without sticking "uhh" between them twice.
From Virginia Delegate Robert G. Marshall, I learned that gay people can't maintain committed relationships and that they support pedophilia.
From two Virginia undergrads, I learned how to stage a very small-scale and ineffective protest.
From the Cavalier Daily, I learned how to use careful camera angles and irresponsible reporting to misrepresent a small-scale and ineffective protest as neither of those things.
From a British Columbian visitor who found this site by searching, I learned that my second post ever is the ninth result for the Google query "sex with unicorns."

E-Mail

2006-10-02T13:24:00.000-04:00

From: Fletcher Reede
To: Professor CivPro
Date: Oct 2, 2006 12:56 PM
Subject: Incoherence

Dear Professor CivPro,

In spite of fasting in observance of Yom Kippur, I will be attending Civil Procedure this afternoon, because today's reading is incomprehensible. Given that, I would love to be called on to explain to the class the meaning of a sentence like "Moreover, contrary to plaintiff's belief, a third-party defendant need not be 'necessarily liable over' to the third-party plaintiff in the event the third-party plaintiff is found liable toward the plaintiff." I'm sure my semi-delirious, hunger-induced ramblings about impleaders, interpleaders, and pineapple eaters will be very enlightening. Please make sure I'm on the cold-call list so as not to miss this fantastic opportunity.

Thanks,
Fletcher Reede

Your Secret Society Has an E-Mail Address

2006-09-29T14:20:00.000-04:00

The University of Virginia has a lot of secret societies. Some seem to take themselves very seriously, while others not so much. (Witness the guy at a party last night loudly telling strangers about his society and the position he held in it, putting air quotes around the name of the position.)

One easy way to not be taken seriously is, apparently, to be the 21 Society. Today, a beige plastic box appeared in the law school courtyard. On it are the mailbox numbers 21 and a laminated piece of paper, which states,

Friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life.
--Thomas Jefferson
The items in this box are for the free use of anyone who wishes to enjoy this space in the company of others. All items are for use in this Quad only, and each person who borrows from this box is on His or Her Honor to return the items immediately after use.

We Remain, ~~||||~~ ~~||||~~ ~~||||~~ ~~||||~~ |
The 21 Society

This box and the items inside are maintained by The 21 Society. Report any missing or damaged items to The21Society@virginia.edu.

The box contains two frisbees, a soccer ball, and a football, which you are on your capital-H Honor to return. The box itself is padlocked to a lamppost with a heavy chain.

My Humps, My Humps

2006-09-25T12:24:00.000-04:00

My deadly viral mumps.

What is going on with this school? Two weeks ago, it was meningitis, now this. Did I move to the South in America, or did I move to South America? Keep an eye on the news in October, because I'm starting a pool on which highly infectious third-world disease crops up here next. My money's on Ebola.
Winner gets a free trip to Atlanta, courtesy of the federal government.

Headline Spotted on Google News

2006-09-22T20:28:00.000-04:00

China's official news agency seems to be a bit confused between Neil Armstrong's "one giant leap for mankind" and Mao Zedong's "Great Leap Forward."
I guess it's an easy mistake, although as far as I know Armstrong wasn't responsible for the famine deaths of 20 to 40 million people.

How to Get Cold-Called, Part II

2006-09-21T20:46:00.000-04:00

Advanced Method:

Show up to class at the last second before it starts, so you're setting up your laptop while the professor has already begun talking.
Spend several minutes trying to figure out why your wireless connection is flaking out.
While restarting computer to finish fixing the wireless, notice dust buildup around the touchpad's mouse buttons.
Reach down to slide the tag on your laptop power cable up high enough so you can use it to get the dust out.
Get the dust out.

Around this point, the professor should say something along the lines of, "So once the court says this, Fletcher, what would you want to do if you were the plaintiff's lawyer, based on what I just said?"

Having an answer is optional.

I can't stands no more

2006-09-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

Attention hack reporters: We know Popeye eats spinach. Mentioning Popeye in your articles about spinach tainted with E. coli is not clever. You are not clever. Stop it.

The Novelist

2006-09-16T18:54:00.000-04:00

Questions I had for John Grisham on Thursday after he spoke about The Innocent Man :

Why did Mitch get away with cheating on his wife?
What was the deal with The Brethren?
Do you know Rachel Weisz?
Did anyone at Doubleday read The Brethren before agreeing to publish it?
Do they start writing the scripts after you finish the books, or before?
Speaking of scripts, please defend Christmas with the Kranks. We'll wait.
Are you aware of the existence of The Brethren, a nomadic cult also known as "The Garbage Eaters?" If so, was that your inspiration?
I understand you've given this law school a lot of money. I've recently begun a similar practice, and before I continue I'm wondering if you've found it to be worthwhile.
Did you know it's okay for authors to skip a year?
Were you heavily medicated for the majority of 2000?
No, seriously. You wrote a book about three judges who orchestrate a mail fraud extortion scheme from prison until they accidentally catch the secretly gay senator who happens to be running a rigged campaign for President under the guidance of a puppet-master director of the CIA who is concerned about a fringe element of the Russian military in which they all get away with it at the end and no one called you out on it?
Have you had any substantial opposition on the new book from death penalty proponents?

Cars fell on Virginia

2006-09-14T00:50:00.000-04:00

This state has an obscene number of custom license plates. I don't mean vanity plates (although it has far more than its fair share of those); I mean actual types of plates. As in, over 180 of them.
Some highlights, if you don't feel like going through the whole list:

Bowler
Tiger Swallowtail - State Insect
Credit Unions
Ducks Unlimited
Family & Children Trust Fund (yes, four different plates)
Fight Terrorism (also available for your motorcycle)
Friends of Tibet
Horse Enthusiast (the one that prompted me to look these up)
Internet C@pital (pronounced "catpital," this one is my personal favorite; it's straight out of 1998 and has to be seen to be believed)
Parrotheads (seriously)
Unlocking Autism
Virginia Society of CPAs (no word on whether this one comes with free "Ask me about my personality" bumper sticker)
Love-a-Bull (technically this one's still in development, but I can't leave it off the list)

Ma nishtana ha-lawschool ha-zeh

2006-09-11T23:41:00.000-04:00

Why is this law school different from all other law schools?

It's not the cherry wood lockers or the 51% alumni giving rate. It's not even the top law school newspaper in the country (really?).

No, it's one thing and one thing only that makes this place feel so right: two-ply toilet paper. You won't find that in New Haven.

The Non-Transitive Property of Crocodile Hunting

2006-09-04T17:27:00.000-04:00

Rock, Paper, Scissors is archaic. I'm settling my next dispute with a best-of-three match of Crocodile, Steve Irwin, Stingray. The hand motions are easy, it makes more sense than "paper beats rock," and best of all, it's topical.
Remember, kids, crocodile beats stingray!

How to Get Cold-Called

2006-09-02T14:51:00.000-04:00

A simple, three-step guide:

Begin doodling in your notes. Be careful to use simple, repetitive pen motions that look nothing like writing, even from a distance.
Wait for the person in front of you to ask a question.
Continue doodling while the professor answers the question.

For best results, maintain just the right balance between showing weakness and knowing what you're talking about. Properly executed, this can keep the professor's attention for up to twenty minutes.

Jeopardy

2006-08-29T20:45:00.000-04:00

Tonight's "Tournament of Champions" episode of Jeopardy had the following categories during Single Jeopardy:

Star Trek, Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings
Action Figures
Dinner for One
In Need of a Date
Still living with "Mom" and "Dad"
You Have No Life

Ordinarily, these might have been kind of amusing, but I feel like they probably struck a little close to home for these three contestants.

Week 1

2006-08-27T13:43:00.000-04:00

Things that have happened in the first week of law school:

I missed my section's library orientation because I was reading for contracts / playing N.
During a peer advisor's don't-feel-bad-if-you-lose speech before section elections, I cheerfully pointed out that "four of these [five] people running are going to lose."
My bike was stolen the day before I planned to go out and buy a better lock for it.
I missed my research group's first meeting in the library because I missed when we planned on having it. On the bright side, I would have been of little use, having missed the orientation.
I successfully paid so little attention in contracts that I didn't even get the relevant jokes being IMed to me.
I had a full 250GB hard drive die with absolutely no warning.
I waited a very long time for a sandwich.

I also, however, got a card for a free sandwich because that one took so long. So all in all, law school is pretty sweet.

As a side note, Texas finally sent me a survey asking why I chose not to accept admission, the first conclusive proof that they are actually aware that I will not be attending. Now if only they hadn't already sold my contact information to every provider of student services in the greater Austin area.

Cops in a Theater

2006-08-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

Sign you're in a pretty safe town: when the manager of the four-screen theater you're watching Snakes on a Plane in calls the police to handle rowdy patrons, they send five or more officers.

That's correct, at the 7:30PM showing this evening at the Regal Seminole, the manager stopped the movie right as Kenan "Good Burger" Thompson took the stick so he could yell at the audience for helping to make a mockery of the movie even Samuel L. Jackson isn't taking seriously. I guess he was worried about a riot, because he brought five cops with him to ask a few people to leave.

So we sat and watched ads for about 10 minutes as the manager and the one guy who felt like speaking up bickered back and forth, then stared each other down until the guy and all his friends got up and left.

At that point the manager reminded the rest of audience that "All you college kids need to remember there are other people in here and they want to see the movie too." Then he left, feeling quite proud of himself and apparently pretending that the six people who were removed had been responsible for a full theater's worth of clapping, cheering, and yelling.

The rest of the movie finished without incident, although there was a marked change in the atmosphere after that. Until, of course, the final scene. No amount of police presence could take away the power of that scene. The Tank Man would have remained in place to witness that scene in all its glory.

Miss Universe

2006-07-23T21:18:00.000-04:00

The silliest part of the Miss Universe pageant is the National Costume section at the very beginning. They always have the girls in these hyper-exaggerated versions of their sterotypical cultural garb, but for outright silliness, there's no competing with the American version this year. I understand these aren't supposed to be representative of how people actually dress, but come on now. Is this country really best exemplified by a pseudo-dominatrix equestrian in violation of the US Flag Code, 4 U.S.C. §8(d)?

Even if it is, the pom-pom takes it too far.

Methods of contact undertaken by the other two schools that accepted me

2006-07-11T21:49:00.000-04:00

Immediately upon acceptance
Georgetown University Law Center: Envelope containing standard congratulatory letter, small handwritten note at bottom.
University of Texas School of Law: Envelope containing standard congratulatory letter, postmark on outside stating "State of Texas, Official Business, Penalty for Private Use, WE'RE TEXAS." Leaves me unsure if last part is pride or a threat.

Winner: GULC, personal note is a nice touch and I don't need to be threatened by envelopes.

Week or so after acceptance
GULC: Letter encouraging me to attend. Packet with information about enrollment. Huge three-ring binder with approximately one sentence per page, addressing housing, student groups, and professors. Also contains keychain, CD, and about 50 sheets of notebook paper reading "Georgetown Law" down the side, apparently so the kid who sits behind me and to the left in class can know how important I am. Combined postage cost: over $9.00
UT Law: Letter granting me a substantial reduction in cost.

Winner: UT, money for school > money on postage.

Days before deposit deadline
GULC: Several e-mails reminding me of the upcoming deadline, including one giving 24 hours warning. Politely informs me there's no need to reply if I do not plan to attend.
UT Law: None.

Winner: UT, for trusting that I know what day it is.

Days after deposit deadline
GULC: Panicky e-mail that I should call immediately if I forgot to mail in deposit. Polite "farewell" to those of us who voluntarily chose not to mail in said deposit.
UT Law: Brusque e-mail that "confirms that our offer of admission has been rescinded and your place in the entering class cancelled." Signed "Respectully," the assistant dean of admissions.

Winner: GULC, for giving me a chance in case I didn't know what day it was.

Weeks later
GULC: Single follow-up e-mail with link to survey asking what it would have taken for me to choose GULC. Provided a chance for me to point out that an estimated $57,600/year total cost necessitates the offering of some scholarship money.
UT Law: Over a dozen (at last count) mailings to my home address completely ignoring the cancellation of my admission, informing this "future Longhorn" about all kinds of options for housing, meal plans, loans, and healthcare. At this point, I expect them to mail me a J.D. in three years in spite of no further contact on my behalf.

Winner: Tie, for reminding me in their own ways why I chose otherwise.

Items for sale in the impulse-buy section next to the register in the Walgreen's near my house

2006-06-19T00:17:00.000-04:00

Sugarless Gum

Regular Gum

Several magazines about Britney Spears

Nicorette Gum

Breath Mints

Soap Opera Digest

First Response Pregnancy Test

Follow the Finger

2006-06-10T21:09:00.000-04:00

The new Butterfinger ad campaign is a little too prostate exam-y for me. Completely ignoring the overt innuendo in the "play with our monkey" game, I just think the whole thing adds a weird overtone to "Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger."

I can never watch Homer chase Bart around again.

The Unicorns Next Door

2006-06-03T02:37:00.000-04:00

Just watched The Girl Next Door. It was decent, but I think I liked it better when it was called Risky Business. A lot more nudity this time around. So I got to wondering, maybe this movie could start a trend of remaking old Tom Cruise movies with added nudity and a new, "hip" soundtrack.

Just think of the possibilities: They could redo The Color of Money with that Paul Newman sex scene everyone wanted to see the first time around. Old Paul's still kicking; I'm sure he'd love to take a break from making salad dressing to nail some girl in a high school library. Then there's Legend. You've got sex with elves, you've got sex with unicorns, you've got sex with elves, the unicorns, and the princess, and through it all, Kanye West's "Gold Digger" so you know how cool everyone is. Finally, my personal favorite, Born on the Fourth of July, because Hollywood just hasn't filmed enough wheelchair sex.

If Tom Cruise isn't going to make good movies anymore, I think this is the only option. And if they run out of older Cruise movies, I get enough e-mails about "Hot Young Asians" in a week to recast The Last Samurai.

Start

2006-05-30T17:34:00.000-04:00

I think I'll skip the standard "I'm starting a blog" post and jump right in. If you can't tell this is the start of a blog, then I don't want you reading my blog.

I'll be starting law school in the fall, and I've been thinking about how that's going to work out, so I went back to the early days of Buffalo Wings & Vodka to see how he went about it. At about this point in his law school career he said

When I was in high school there was this guy in my English class that I would have sworn was retarded but then I was working on some calculus in there one day and he looked over my shoulder and reexplained the chain rule to me and I realized that the whole retarded thing was just a facade that helped him get chicks and avoid being called on. I would very much like to be the law school version of that guy.

That sounds like a decent philosophy to me, so I'm going to stick with something along those lines. He did a pretty good job, from what I can tell, and I think I can do it too.

I realize, of course, that this opens me up to all kinds of people coming here and saying "I served with Buffalo Wings & Vodka, I knew Buffalo Wings & Vodka, Buffalo Wings & Vodka was a friend of mine. You're no Buffalo Wings & Vodka." Well to you I say, "That was really uncalled for, Senator." Then you can say, "You're the one who was making the comparison," then go on to lose the election and die 18 years later. So I win and get off my case about it.